Here’s the scenario:

I’ve sent emails out to two different friends who are important in my life and have not had a response from either of them.  For one friend the norm is to hear back the very day I send the email.  It is now three days later.  For the other friend, I’ve been sending emails for a few months now with no response and phone calls haven’t lead me anywhere either.

My first response, or perhaps better said, reaction, is to assume I have done something wrong. What did I say or do that has resulted in them not wanting to talk to/connect with me?  This is my default shame reaction where I take things personally and I ground them in my sense of a “less-than” self.

I’m a little older and wiser now with all the work I have done on myself these least few years so I can at least see going to that shame place. I usually can’t stop myself from going there, yet now that I see myself going there I have options.  With awareness comes choice.

I remind myself that yes, I may have been a trigger for that person in some way, but I get to give their reaction back to them.  I get to be responsible for my own feelings and they get to be responsible for theirs.  So in actuality I do get to take it personally, just my own personal, I get to look at what is coming up for me.

That “own personal” attention is for me a form of self-empathy.  I get to acknowledge my feelings and explore what is behind them – my needs.  Just as valid as my whatever may be transpiring for my friends.  I have a direct line into me.

So what is coming up for me?  I’m sad these friends have not replied back.  And I’m concerned about them on two fronts.  One, maybe something is unfolding for them that has absolutely nothing to do with our exchanges.  Can I help?

Second, if I have said something to trigger either of them, I would like to know what that is.  Perhaps there is a way I can reframe something. Perhaps I’ve been misunderstood.  And perhaps it is just going to be a tigger – I might have said something that sounded just like one of their parents and depending on their history, they were transported back there for a while.  It can be a bit scarey and vulnerable to step into finding out, but I’m willing to go there.  Here, while I’m part of the exchange, I’m not coming from the place of having done something wrong.

What’s behind all of this is are MY needs for connection, belonging, clarity, consideration, and love.  And those are beautiful needs.  I don’t have to think of myself as “less than” for having those needs. In the past I’ve done an immediate translation to equate anxiousness with the shame response.  Now I can see that the anxiousness means some of my needs are not being met.  I’m whole, I’m just wanting connection.

So the next time you feel to take something personally, believing that you are somehow at fault, less than, for something, I invite you take it personally – your own personal – and look behind the circumstances.  Which of your needs are calling forth?

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012