I’ve noticed several posts on social media relating to gratitude and being grateful as we launch into 2015.  I made my own contribution offering that the words “I am grateful for _______” (fill in the blank) could be a great way to start the year.   I was intrigued by one post’s suggestion to start a gratitude jar that you could put little notes of expressions of gratitude into over the course of the year and then review them at the end of the year.  The visual of the growing gratitude in the jar appeals to me. 

Having a gratitude practice can be considered a positive way to be in the world and it is often described as part of being mindful or present to what is unfolding in your life.  Gratitude can also help to reframe a difficult or challenging set of circumstances.  Seeing the learning in a trying scenario, or appreciating the flashes of positive in an other wise difficult situation can be a way to cope and bring some ease.

I had a recent experience with a holiday not turning out as expected.  No where in the vision of the holiday was there a dead car battery, a flood in the basement, a lingering cold, an eye infection, and a sprained ankle.

I’m all for having a gratitude practice but I’ll be honest, I was having a hard time being genuinely grateful when I reflected on the various trials and tribulations of the holiday.  Sure I came up with the gratitude words – gratitude for the services being available, gratitude for the sprain not being worse – but the felt sense of gratitude wasn’t there.  When I expressed the words, there was a sensation of suppression or denial, like some part of me was not getting the acknowledgement it was needing. The words felt hollow. I was grudgingly grateful!

Here’s a gentle caution around gratitude.  Sometimes we’ll focus on the “positive” or “good” as a strategy to avoid what we are truly feeling in the moment.  A gratitude practice can be used to try and bypass having to step into expressions of pain, sadness, anger, or frustration.  That’s not positive thinking or reframing, that is denial.

Sometimes crap happens.  The place to start is to acknowledge the pain, or sadness, the losses – the things that didn’t turn out as expected.  They are just as important and worthy of expression as any expression of gratitude.  Absolutely step into gratitude when you are ready.  I can be thankful for the roadside assistance I was able to call when I needed a boost for the car, but I needed to start by acknowledging that having to call for road-side assistance was not fun and that I felt frustrated and anxious in the circumstances.

So what did I do when I got home from my holiday?  Did I give up on the gratitude jar idea?  Nope, but I did modify it slightly.  It took the form of starting two jars – an Expressions of Gratitude jar and an Expressions of Loss and Grief jar.  I reflected on my trip and expressed both the good and the painful.  Both jars are important.  Both jars are worthy.  As a set the jars are a form of self-empathy honoring all of my experiences and the emotions associated with them.

Invitation:  when you invite yourself to express gratitude, check-in and see if there is anything else needing expression too.  Honor all of your emotions.

Text and Images  Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2015