I’m a controller.  In other words I like control and I try to control my life.  I understand and appreciate that this is not always the best strategy for life.  I have over the years tried to let go, be gentle with my need for control.

I get that it is grounded in fear – worries that my needs won’t be met if I’m not in control.   And what if I actually do trust somebody and they let me down?  If I control it, by doing it myself for example, then I don’t have to worry about that trust or depending on someone thing.

Recently I find I’m asking myself, in a very loving, kind playful voice, “So how’s that control life thing working for you Catherine?”  For as much as I try to control the situation (probably more truthfully stated as try to control the people in the situation) life – the Universe – has a way of reminding me I am so not in control.

Here’s my latest example.  I have to laugh, because if I don’t, I might cry!

Due to one circumstance or another I found myself moving around quite a bit.  Part of it involved a forced move due the condo I was renting being sold.  Part of it involved deciding to go to a retreat centre for 5 weeks and book-ending the retreat with a road trip.  And I knew once I returned from the trip, I’d be getting yet another new address because returning meant I’d be looking for a new place to live.

“I know,” I thought, “I’ll get one of those mailboxes in place like a UPS store.  I’ll pick a convenient location so that way if I move, I can still easily get to it.  And if I travel they can mail whatever arrives into the box to me.  It will be great to use as my business address anyway.  So perfect!  Implement that and then no more change of address requests required.  Maybe ever!”  With this logic I did a little happy dance and have proceeded to move most, if not all, of my mail to the address of my new mailbox.  I was proud of myself!  I had found a solution  – a way to control how things might unfold in the future in my life.

Went to said mailbox today and what did I find?  A notice.  “What did the notice say?” you might be asking.  It was a notice to inform me that the store that is the keeper of my mailbox is MOVING!  And could I inform whomever I needed to of my CHANGE OF ADDRESS!!

I re-read the notice hoping it was a joke – that perhaps I had read something incorrectly.  Nope.  I could get really frustrated with this if I wanted to.  I have put in a lot of effort worrying about change of addresses in the last while.  I had practiced sound judgement to find a solution!  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This didn’t factor in my scenario of life.

In the end I’m laughing, thinking about the Serenity Prayer, asking myself “So how’s the controlling life thing working for you Catherine?”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr

 

Perhaps at this point I could simply acknowledge that I don’t know what my life is going to look like a year from now.  I don’t even know what it is going to look like tomorrow. I can have some idea, but I can’t know it all.  I certainly can’t control it all.

So I might as well accept that I’ll be filing “Change of Address requests” for the rest of my life.  When, how, under what circumstances, no idea!

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012