I’ve been reading a great deal about shame recently – books by each of Brené Brown and John Bradshaw for example.  I also recently attended a workshop by Sarah Peyton on the purpose of shame and the power of empathy with some Interpersonal Neurobiology  (IPNB) in the mix to bring it all together.  Through this learning and self-reflection I’ve discovered how strong a hold shame has had on me.

My default place to go when something feels amiss is to believe I am somehow at fault, somehow less than, somehow not worthy.  Notice that it is always about me.  Never about the circumstances, or something or someone external to myself.  I make me the problem.  And not even a behaviour, something I’ve done for example, but rather me, the whole me, the essence of me.

The invitation to me now is to speak my shame – to be vulnerable – to seek empathy from others, and to offer it to my Self.  In the words of Bradshaw I am “externalizing” my shame.  Brown would consider me to be building and exercising my shame resilience.  In either instance the goal is not to rid oneself of shame (impossible by the way), rather I like to think of it as loosening the hook shame has into my sense of Self.

Shame unto itself is a very human experience and that’s why on some level it is a good thing that in part serves to keep us safe and humble and why we can’t be rid of it. (Unless you’ve figured out a way to be something other than human!)  Yet when “less than” becomes a defining part of our identity – my identity – then it is time to regroup!  At least that’s where I am at.  I can see now that shame holds me back in my life and I’d like to be able to play bigger.  With awareness comes choice!

Let’s see what choices I can make going forward.  I’ll share my shame and some new choices here in my blog.