When is it time to let go?

I’ve been moving into a new place the last few weeks.  I chose a place that I felt served me in many ways – love the location and the space itself made me say “I want to live here.”  And I knew the space was going to force me to downsize.  Not much storage and I was okay with that.

Then came the downsizing.

What if I might some day hold that party for 30 people I’ve been thinking about?  I would need those mugs then.

I do wear those shoes sometimes…

And then there’s the books and files that remain from my years as a grad student working on my doctoral dissertation and then as an academic.  The collection had already seen one purge several years ago.  Much still remained.

I felt heavy – literally and figuratively – as I tried to decide what to do with these items.  That is where the pain and struggle came in.  The memories – good and bad – of the experiences associated with these items come into my consciousness.  Thoughts – oh so many thoughts – came rushing in.  Am I throwing away my PhD if I throw away documents and books associated with it?  How will I prove that I did the work if I don’t have items from the steps along the way?  What if someday I might need this particular piece of information again?

I had lots of advice from friends.  “Don’t think about it.  Just throw it all away.”  Or “You can’t throw that away.  That was from your grandmother.”  Helpful?  Nope.

What in the end worked for me is the following.  It took me a while to figure out this was the process that got me the release and relief I was looking for and no, that doesn’t mean I threw everything away.  I just found peace with the process.

First I checked in on what the item represented.  Maybe there was some grieving I needed to do and in so doing, I would be able release the item.  Maybe I wasn’t living the life at 47 I thought I was going to – the parties for 30 co-hosted by me and my spouse weren’t happening.  No big parties.  No spouse.  And yet I could follow-up that up and say unequivocally that life IS good even though it doesn’t look as I had expected.  So I acknowledged the loss of the unrealized vision and found gratitude in the now.

Then I asked myself about how I wanted to let go of the item(s).  Somehow simply throwing things away didn’t feel right for a variety of reasons. Being able to give them away for reuse, or at least for recycle, felt better.  So I created different boxes for items I wanted to offer to friends, to various charities, and to recycle.

And I gave myself some time.  Those boxes of books and papers – I had to sit with them for a while as they blocked the ease of movement in my apartment.  At first I thought I would send the books to Africa.  Yes, that felt right.  And then it didn’t.  I thought about the environmental impact of shipping.  I thought about whether these were really the books they would want.  In the end the books and papers went happily to recycle because in that question of grieving and letting go I realized I had the fear that without all those goodies, somehow the PhD wasn’t mine any more.  That somehow I was going to be less smart and less capable.  When I recognized that story represented a typical shame (less than) response for me, I knew, one of those body knowings, that the stuff needed to go.  That I wanted it to go.  That I was whole, smart, and capable without those bits and pieces.

I did keep some things.  I didn’t need five of the items I had received from my Grandmother.  One would do so that every time I opened the cupboard, I could remember her with great affection.  And my two friends who bought me the chicken pitcher – well they’ll be happy to know I still have it.  It makes me laugh way too much every time I use it, albeit not very often, so I had to keep it.  For now!

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012