Tag Archives: disappointment

Expectations – Good or Bad?

I’ve had two friends recently tell me they are worried about my expectations.  They are worried about expectations I have about a particular person and my relationship with that person.  I’m perplexed.  My body has a sensation of wanting to push back, to reject their voices about my expectations.

What’s so wrong with expectations for myself or someone else?  What could be wrong with me wanting to see someone put energy into their health and well-being?  What could be wrong with me wanting to go camping?  Or more generally on vacation?

Maybe it is not about right or wrong.  Maybe they are not saying it is wrong for me to have expectations.  Maybe they are just worried that my dreams won’t come true and then how will I feel?  And it is lovely that they worry about me, and yet I want to have my dreams and have dreams for others.  I’ll deal with the consequences if those dreams don’t come true.  Sometimes what I hoped for doesn’t happen, but something even better, that I couldn’t imagine at the time does. Yes, sometimes I’m disappointed and I have to do a little mourning at the loss, the grieving of an unrealized dream.  I’m okay with all of that.

Let me back track for a second.  What is an expectation anyway?  I’ve looked at lots of definitions.  Here’s as couple:

  • something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for
  • an attitude of expectancy or hope
  • anticipation
  • prospects, especially of success or gain
  • anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
  • belief about (or mental picture of) the future

Sounds pretty good wouldn’t you say?  I want anticipation.  I want hope.  And yet when I read online about expectations, so much caution!  I came across this quote that seems to sum up everyone’s concern about expectations:

Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.  [Alexander Pope – Letter to Fortescue]

Part of the arguments around this are that expectations take us and maybe even keep us in the future.  The alternative is to be in the moment, accepting and acknowledging what is.

I’ve made a conscious choice to question either/or thinking.  I think expectations are a good example.  I’m going to have them.  Not having them, well for me, that’s not life!  Life is going to have disappointment.  And I’m realizing I’m okay with that.  I want to have dreams, ideas, possibilities.  Will they all materialize?  No.  Do they feed me and inspire me to show up in my life?  Yes.

AND I want to practice being in the moment as well.  I don’t want to live exclusively in the future, with expectation.  I want to appreciate what is unfolding now.

My take on expectations is that they are wrapped up in being human.  They are tied to needs, desires, values, beliefs – so to say don’t have them, well quite frankly, that seems ridiculous.  And why wouldn’t I hold an expectation of another human being being able?

So are expectations good or bad?  I guess they just are.  Maybe it is more about realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy expectations.  Even those will be hard to define – more organic, permeable, and tied to context I think than black and white in their definition.

I was curious about how some folks who practice NVC might talk about needs versus expectations.  They suggested yes, we have our needs, and the invitation is to let go of expectations of how those needs will be filled.  I can buy into that, yet at the same time, I’m not letting go of visions and dreams. I practice affirmations and visioning.  When I launch one or the other I always say to the Universe “This or something better.”  I can’t know what better is until I’ve lived it – experienced it.  And sometimes that pathway is through disappointment – I’ve had my share of that – and yet I’m really really glad I am where I am in my life and all the things/experiences/people that have brought me to this place.

So yes, I’m going to keep having my expectations.  And yes, I’m going to keep checking on them.  I can agree that sometimes they are not serving me – perhaps because through the expectation I am holding myself or someone else to an unrealistic standard.  Those expectations can be adjusted.

In this moment I’m grateful my friends expressed their concerns about my expectations.  It has been fruitful for me to do this exploration.  My expectations remain, yet I’m noticing I hold them a little less tightly, inspired by the reminder that how they come to life might look different than what I am expecting.

 

In case you are curious, here are some of the websites I look at as I was ruminating on this piece:

Unrealistic Expectations in Relationship

Expectations in Relationships:  The Flip Side of Obligations

Building a Healthy Relationship From the Start

The Trust About Relationship Expectations

NVC Needs, Desires, Values, Expectations, Thoughts

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Don’t Ask For What You Want – You Might Be Disappointed!

Had a big “a-ha” recently when I connected my struggle of asking for what I want with an effort to avoid being/feeling disappointed.

Here was my logic:

If I ask for what I want I might not get it.  So to avoid that possible disappointment I won’t ask for what I want.  I then can’t get a no.

Hmmm….

Here’s a recent example.  I am wanting to connect with a friend over Skype.  The exchange happens via e-mail.

Friend:  What time would be good?

Me:  I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow.

I don’t hear back from the friend until the next morning.  I haven’t asked to hear back about a specific time.  I haven’t asked about their availability.  And here’s what I really wanted – I desperately wanted the friend to call that very night after 9 pm when I got back home.  I’m sure you were able to read that into my part of the request weren’t you?  My timing was clear wasn’t it?  The intensity of wanting to connect – I put that out there too didn’t I?  And so what did I do?  I rushed home from a lovely event – remember I’m hoping my friend will call me after 9 pm – and sit around, albeit keeping myself occupied with things I am needing to get done – and every few minutes checking Skype to see if my friend is online.

Here’s the irony – in my attempt to avoid disappointment, I feel it anyway.  My friend is nowhere to be found on Skype that evening so I am disappointed we don’t connected AND I get to feel disappointed in myself too.  Double whammy.

There is a voice in my head right now saying “Pathetic!”.  That is my self critical judging voice – the Jackal voice in the world of NVC.  It is a voice of shame as I judge myself for being weak with expressing what I really want.  The Jackal voice is also the gift of a guide post to step into language that is more life affirming – giraffe language – beginning with some self-empathy.  I personally need a little help getting into the self-empathy space and I often get there by doing some self-reflection, a little logic to digest the situation perhaps.

So a little self-reflection.  I’ve noticed what I will do is make my request in very general terms.  The lack of specificity is another part of the defenses to avoid being disappointed.  I’m sort of expressing what I want – I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow. – I just ask for it so generally I’m kind of expecting the recipient to be a mind reader.  In my mind I’m also justifying the approach by telling myself I’m giving consideration to what the other person’s needs might be.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, it just becomes another part of the defense/avoidance mechanism if I put their needs far and away above any specificity of need on my part.

And now some self-empathy.  It can be hard to hear a No.  It can be awful to think of wanting to connect with a friend and then think you might not be able to connect with that person.  The wanting to connect with a friend is a beautiful want.  We – I – so have that innate need for connection and belonging.  And it is a beautiful thing to want to be considerate of my friend’s needs and to acknowledge the reality they might not be able to meet my initial request.

In NVC we talk about redos – when a conversation doesn’t unfold quite the way you had hoped/expected know that for the most part you can create redo possibilities – a chance to have the conversation again with different energy.  Asking for a redo can be another request you can practice making.  In this instance, without knowing it, my friend gave me a redo.  It wasn’t going to be exactly the same request as time had passed, yet I could now apply my a-ha insights.

Friend:   So, recommend a time that works for you.

Me:  It has been rough start this morning.  Not exactly sure why – a collection of “life” stuff to be sure.  Could really use a hug today.  So would early afternoon work – say 1 PM?  I’m conscious of all that you might need to be get done today so there is a part of me that says “I can’t take a chunk of time out of  the middle of your day.”  and yet you’ve asked me for a time, so I’m just going to say 1 PM and see where we get to…

Friend:  I will shoot for that but can’t guarantee. Just heading off now.  Will try to make that happen. Will text with level of success.

We ended up not being able to Skype at 1 pm.  I did get a connection though.  We were able to talk on the phone at 1 pm.  Sure, it didn’t quite unfold the way I had hoped/requested – we weren’t able to Skype – so on some level I received a No – yet on another level my request was answered – I was able to connect with my friend.

There is power in acknowledging the fear – the fear of disappointment, of getting the No – and going forward with my requests anyway.  Because when I do that, I don’t have to be disappointed in myself.  I can feel good about having expressed my needs, about making my now more specific or direct request, about being open to having the requests fulfilled in different or creative ways, and in being considerate of what might be unfolding for the person I am making the request of.  And with the willingness to be present to the disappointment, it doesn’t have the same hook either.  I can feel the “I’ll be okay.” deep down inside.