I’m a nurturer, caregiver type person.  It is who I am.  It is how I show up in the world.  I care about people.  I care how they are feeling – physically, emotionally, spiritually.  This a good set of qualities to have – it is part of my purpose in life.  It is part of why I do the work I do.  All good.

And yet like every aspect of ourselves – of myself – sometimes it doesn’t serve me.  I’ve found that any facet of me is a double edged sword.  This is not a critique, it just is.  So right now I have a friend in my life for who I’m concerned about their health.  In my nurturing, caring mode it becomes really easy for me to take on their stuff.   To feel responsible for their sense of well-being.

This ties into my deep seeded need for control as well.  I’m anxious about my friend.  I want to fix the situation.  I want to make it better.   But I can’t.  I can’t because the choices toward healing are not mine to make.  They belong to my friend.  My friend’s health is not my responsibility though in my discomfort it feels like I would find ease if I take it on.

So what is mine to take on? What I do have responsibility for are my own emotions, my own behavior – how I show up in the situation.   What I can do is share how I’m feeling – that I’m concerned about my friend’s well being.  What I can do is express my willingness to support and help in ways that my friend wants.  I could do research into options for example.  I could be a sounding board for whatever decisions my friend might need to make.  And if my friend wants, I could just be quiet.  Hard for me to do, and as a consequence, a great place for me to grow into should my friend ask that of me. I get to be responsible for that growth.

What sense of responsibility are you taking on out of feelings of anxiousness or uncertainly that doesn’t actually belong to you?  Is there some situation you have injected yourself into because by doing so, it gives you a sense of control?  Being responsible means taking care of you, owning your emotions, it doesn’t mean fixing somebody else. Being responsible means I acknowledge I’m anxious, wanting to help, and wishing the circumstances could be different.

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012