Category Archives: Potential In Everything

Uncovering your story of loss and grief through photographs

Most of the images I use on this website are my own. The two images in my header are examples. The nature image (original uncropped version to the left) is from a time when I was in a period of deep reflection. I was dealing with a lot of pain and a sense of loss – the dream had not worked out as planned and my body was consuming my energy – the bushes that seemed dead in their dryness and grayness captured those feelings for me.

At the same time, there was this incredible vibrant green moss – a sharp contrast. In the moment of taking the photograph I resonated with that contrast. I wanted to shift how I was feeling. As I look at the image now I see my pain and feeling lost. I also see the energy of growth and potential – discovering who I was and what I was meant to do in the world. The image gave me a way to honour both.

Fast forward a few years, one spinal fusion surgery later, a new career, and my “head shot” was taken in the back yard. I was using a tripod, a remote control for my camera, and I had music playing. I was literally swaying and dancing in different locations in the backyard, taking photos as I went. The smile is genuine. I was feeling happy. (One of the many shots from that day is on the right.) While it felt rather vulnerable to be doing this craziness in the backyard – what if someone should see me?? – I loved the sense of me capturing me with renewed energy and a new sense of purpose.

Did I have all of this understanding of what these photographs mean to me in the moments they were taken? No, but I do believe there was some inner knowing I was tapping into in those moments such as the resonance with the contrast of the dryness and the vibrancy in my nature image. What I am appreciating is that I took the photographs in the first place. The ongoing gift is that I can see more and new meanings in the images as time passes, connecting with the evolution of my story.

When I look at those photographs now, they represent the walk I have been taking with my life.

The Invitation…

Take photographs. They don’t have to be of you, but they can be. They don’t have to be of other people, but they can be. Be in nature. Be in a city. Don’t worry about the ‘rule of thirds’ and composition or having anything in focus. In other words this is not about taking ‘perfect’ pictures, just take pictures. And then give yourself a little time and space to really look at them and ask about you, the photographer.

What were you feeling when you took the photo?

What are you feeling now as you ponder the photo?

What are you wanting as you look at the photo?

What else are you noticing or resonating with in the photograph and in you?

Perhaps you will connect with a sense of loss, joy, anger, despair, possibility, hope, harmony – any or all of the above. Perhaps you will connect with a sense of the passage of time and remembering. Perhaps you will connect with hurt. Perhaps with healing. Perhaps with creativity and inspiration.

The meaning of the image for you, as is the case for me and my images, comes later. So the blurry image, the whonky placement, the different lighting – any and all of that might be where you see the meaning. So I say again, it is not about taking a perfect picture, rather it is about taking pictures and then giving them some purposeful consideration.

I encourage you to be fluid with timelines. Maybe you take the picture and look at it with consideration in a week’s time, or five weeks, a year, or five years later. (I’ve done all of that.) I value that my story evolves each time I look at the photographs.

What is the story of you your photographs are telling? What if your story of loss and grief can be found in your photographs?

If this theme of grief and photography has sparked an interested, here’s a few other links to get you started on your exploration….

http://blog.sevenponds.com/soulful-expressions/artist-andy-goldsworthys-brother-suffered-the-death-of-his-beloved-wife

http://blog.sevenponds.com/professional-advice/%E2%80%A8how-does-grief-affect-the-creative-process-an-interview-with-photographer-sarah-treanor-part-one

Photo Grief: http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/resource-for-coping-with-grief/ OR http://photogrief.com/

What if..we could gracefully give ourselves time as needed in the challenges of life?

what if we could gracefully give ourselves time as needed How long does it take to grieve a loved one who has died?

How long does it take to grieve an ending relationship?

How long does it take to make a career change?

How long does it to take move and settle in to a new city?

How long does it take to have cancer?

Often language implies there is both timing and an ending to these types of challenging life scenarios.

“You’ll be better in no time!”

“Give it a week and you should be back to normal.”

“You’ve been sick/grieving/grumpy/sad for long enough now.” Likely followed by a “Get over it.”

“I imagine you can have a new job and be settled within 6 months.”

Many of our corporate policies incorporate timelines and endings as well.

Three days of bereavement leave.

Two weeks of sick leave.

Six months of extended disability leave.

A month of accommodation benefits as part of a moving allowance.

These messages have us believing we can measure and monitor the events of our lives based on some chronological, prescribed time window.

Your body, mind, and spirit have their own sense of time.

The more work I do facilitating bereavement groups, the more I appreciate that the journey of grief takes as long as it takes. One thing I know for sure – we do not “get over” or “get through” a significant loss in 3 days.

When I think of my Grandmother who died six years ago it is always bitter sweet. Seeing a cookbook on my shelf that reminds me of her – a sweet memory – is often linked with a jolt of sadness – that I can no longer call her. That burst of grief is very real and while I no longer grieve her as I once did, I’m not “over her”, I still grieve from time to time.

And healing from my spinal fusion surgery – depending on how you want to measure it 6 weeks or years. My back pain sparked a period of deep introspection and I began healing my spirit before the actual surgery. My scar healed in a matter of weeks. It took at least a year for the bones to fuse. It took many moons for my body to begin to realize that when I was invited to an event, such as going to see an art exhibit, it didn’t have to go into resistance and protection mode. It wasn’t going to hurt any more, but parts of me weren’t aligned with that yet. How long does rewiring chronic pain take?

What if we could gracefully give ourselves the time needed in the challenges of life?

There are two Greek works for time – chronos and kairos.

“Chronos is clocks, deadlines, watches, calendars, agendas, planners, schedules, beepers. Chronos is time at her worst. Chronos keeps track. …Chronos is the world’s time. Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love, the Sacred. Kairos is intimacy with the Real. Kairos is time at her best. …Kairos is Spirit’s time. We exist in chronos. We long for kairos. That’s our duality. Chronos requires speed so that it won’t be wasted. Kairos requires space so that it might be savored. We do in chronos. In kairos we’re allowed to be … It takes only a moment to cross over from chronos into kairos, but it does take a moment. All that kairos asks is our willingness to stop running long enough to hear the music of the spheres.”

― Sarah Ban Breathnach

While I don’t necessarily agree that chronos is time at her worst – when scheduling an appointment for example, I’m glad there is a way to represent that in quantitative time – I do believe chronos time can be counter productive. Applying a time measurement to many aspects of life can set us up to hold ourselves to a standard that is not real, rather it is arbitrary. It can also feel like trying to live to a moving target.

Tool: How about stepping into life changes, growth, and healing without strict timelines? Rather than a focus on chronos time, how about exploring kairos time? It is not about speed. It is about being human. It is about allowing. It is about alignment. It is about knowing we have arrived, when we have arrived, not by the date on the calendar.

So the next time someone tells you how to heal faster, or says “You should be over it by now,” gently let them know you are gracefully living by kairos time.

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2015. All rights reserved.

What if your deepest wounds called forth your greatest gifts?

It might be hard to imagine that in the darkness of your life the seeds of possibility exist.

In my own life the health challenges I have faced, the losses I have experienced – these are the seeds of what I do now through Life Fundamentals. And the pain of those experiences is what motivates me. If I can help someone else with their hurts journey, then I believe I’ve done a good thing. It is not about taking away the hurt, rather it is about offering wisdom and tools to empower individuals to transform their hurts into an energy of creation and expansion from an energy of constriction and depletion.

Whether you are looking to make a career change or make some changes in your relationships – with yourself or others – perhaps the place to begin is to acknowledge your hurts, to acknowledge your losses, and to invite the possibility that those deepest wounds could call forth your greatest gifts.

For inspiration, I encourage you as you read or hear about happenings/events in your local community or around the world, see if you can notice examples of individuals stepping into what I call creative hurts – where pain and possibility or trauma and growth, co-exist. Notice how a challenging or traumatic life event has sparked what comes next in their lives.

Here’s a few examples to get you started…

As you uncover other interesting examples, please feel free to share them in the comments below.

Living Your Dash

I can’t remember when I first heard about the poem The Dash by Linda Ellis. What I do know is that every time I read it I renew my desire to live my life on purpose – to continue to do work that feeds my soul, to do one thing a day that scares me (encouraging my evolution), to step into the emotions that feel difficult or uncomfortable, to let the good stuff sink in including expressing gratitude and love, and to see the possibility in whatever is showing up in my life.

Here’s the general gist of the poem. (I encourage you to read it in its entirety here.) On a tombstone there is a beginning date and an end date. In between those two dates is a dash. That tiny dash represents the fullness of your life. The question the poem raises is what do you want to do with your dash?

The intention here is not to instill fear of the end-date (the second date on your tombstone). Stirring up panic and a sense of scarcity of time is not the vibe I personally want to have clouding my dash. The reality however is we generally don’t know when our end-date is coming. We imagine living a long and fruitful life and yet anything could happen.

Here’s the approach I’ve taken. I’ve asked myself what do I want to be doing now so that if I found out I was terminally ill and going to die within a month or two I would have some degree of ease because I had been living my life on purpose, because I had been making choices in awareness of the reality of not knowing when the end will come. I don’t think it is possible to live without regret (the words that come of my mouth some times – yeesh!), yet I do think it is possible to minimize regret through actions like vulnerability, compassion, empathy, and a willingness to ask for re-do’s or acknowledge mistakes.

Do the people you love and who matter the most to you know it through your words and actions?

Is the work you are doing feeling your spirit – does it make your heart sing?

Are you learning from and in the discomfort that life gives?

Are you being gentle with yourself? Do you acknowledge your self-worth?

Are you having fun?

I ask these questions not to invoke shame or a sense of “not enough”, rather they are invitations to reflect on how you are living your dash. You are worthy and enough no matter how you are living your dash. AND you have agency in how you live your dash. I realize sometimes it can feel like you have anything but power and possibility in your life. This is the gentle reminder that there is always choice. That you can bring “creator” energy to your daily life.

Dream like you’ll life forever. Live as if you’ll die tomorrow. ~James Dean

I’ll be speaking on this topic on Sunday February 23rd as part of the service at the Centre For Spiritual Living Vancouver. Please join me if you are interested in reflecting on how you live your dash. [11 AM Creekside Community Centre, Olympic Village, Vancouver]

Acknowledging Your Losses

As part of the course work I was taking to become a certified Life Coach we dipped into art therapy. Each of us in the class was invited to pick up a piece of clay and play with it our hands. We could squish it, pound it, shape it however we wanted. I started squishing the clay around in my right hand having it ooze through my fingers, then my left, and then back to my right.

We were also asked to connect with the clay through as many senses as possible exploring texture, colour, smell, weight, etc. I opened my right hand and first noticed the shape the clay had taken looked a lot like the images of the vertebrae I had seen in the x-rays of my back. The round core and the “jutty out” parts of the facet joints. Then I noticed the weight – how heavy the clay felt in my hands. And the tears began to flow. And flow. And flow.

I literally cried for hours that day because in that briefest of moments the weight of the clay connected me with the weight, with the burden that my back had been for me for over 20 years. I’ve come to be grateful for that pain because it has lead to so many amazing things in my life. In that moment however I needed to acknowledge my sadness associated with the choices I couldn’t make because of my back. I needed to acknowledge the energy my back and pain had consumed. The weight of that clay represented the moments of sweating profusely because of the pain I was in when all I was trying to doing was stand there and teach, the times I had to say “no” to a friend’s invitation because I was too exhausted and in too much pain, the trips I couldn’t take, the high-heels I couldn’t wear, the gardening I couldn’t do, the racket sports I had put aside.

Until that time I had focused on getting healthy and happy. At this point in my life journey I had left academia. I was now living in Vancouver, supported by friends and family to make a new set of choices. I had but two months earlier undergone an 8 hour double level spinal fusion surgery that had been extremely successful. I had connected with and was excited by the idea of becoming a life coach or counsellor so had gone back to school to better appreciate the differences, and to hone my skills so that I could feel confident in my ability to hold a client and their needs safely and professionally. I was told that the fusion would not fully take hold for at least a year, maybe two so it seemed like the right timing to go back to school. So yes I could acknowledge having made progress – amazing progress as a matter of fact though I would never have labelled it that at the time – and yet here I was crying for hours.

I am so grateful to the facilitator in class that day. He brought to my awareness that I had grieving to do. That I needed to acknowledge my losses. Clearly there were many. Yet they were not the kind of losses we typically think about. I hadn’t lost a person or relationship close to me. I wasn’t terminally ill – I had recovered. Yet I understand now my “stiff upper lip”, “solder on” attitudes served me in one way and harmed me in another.

If you’re brave enough to say “goodbye”, life will reward you with a new “hello”. ~ Paul Coehlo

Grieving is a very natural human process. The reality is we experience loss daily and it needs to be grieved. This doesn’t mean you have to grieve for days or months or years even – though sometimes, depending on the loss and your process, that’s exactly what you’ll do. There doesn’t have to be public displays of mourning though sometimes there will be that as well. What I do advocate is that we take time to acknowledge our losses – big and small – because there are no beginnings without an ending. We are effected by losses and rather than pushing those emotions back inside, I’m inviting acknowledging them so that the e-motion (energy in motion) can be released. That energy release can lead to new things. It certainly did for me.

The next day after my clay experience I was exhausted and I absolutely felt lighter. I also felt calmer. I could begin to see all the changes that I had made in a different light – I could begin to celebrate them rather than stay focused on “What is the next thing I need to get done? Keep going. Keep going. Soldier on.”

My own experience with loss has inspired me to study the processes of grief more closely and bring it more deeply into my work. I have seen the value of acknowledging losses and stepping into the associated sadness – the sense of freedom it garnered, the relaxation, the sense of opening and even more possibility.

If sharing my story of losses has struck a cord, I invite you to contact me. I am also offering a workshop on Creative Hurt: Turning Loss into Learning and Growth. (March 1st. More details on my Schedule page.) The invitation is to begin to acknowledge your losses and in so doing discover what catalysts those could be for you moving forward.

Telling A Different Story

I was reminded recently about the power of reframing. Reframing is when you tell a different story, a re-interpretation of some aspect or event in your life. Mine had to do with clearing out my storage locker. I have been wanting (and sort of not wanting) to make it happen for a few months now. I recently signed the piece of paper that says I’ll have the space clear for June 1. Signing was the way for me to “force” my hand – to create that deadline to move me into action. Here’s the general story I was telling:

I don’t want to deal with clearing out my storage locker. This going to be painful. How am I going to make this happen? This is going to be a hassle putting things online to sell, coordinating with people, meeting them at my storage locker, negotiating (if anybody even wants to buy anything), yeesh! Am I going to have to ask someone to help me? I can’t be in the locker and meeting someone at the entrance to the building at the same time. And what if I can’t get rid of anything? What will I do then? How I will get rid of what remains? It won’t fit in my car. I don’t want to just take it all to landfill. That’s not very considerate of the environment. I’ve got a deadline now. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do a better job at getting rid of this stuff when I made my last move? I’ve been paying rent on this locker for a few months now – that’s money out the window given the low value of everything in it. I love some of that stuff. Part of me is really sad to see it go.

In the world of NVC, most of this would be labelled Jackal voice. The voice that is judgmental, critical, and generally not positive. Sometimes that voice speaks very loudly in my head. It brings me down. It zaps my energy to the point that sometimes I feel unable to muster up the motivation to even start a project. In this instance I was motivated because I’m trying to manage my budget differently right now and there was no way to justify what I was spending on the storage. It just didn’t make sense to hold on to the stuff for economic or sentimental reasons. Yet I was still having a hard time making this project happen.

Sometimes it is about taking one step. Getting a small “win” – trying something that is successful in its outcome. Small steps for me included getting into the storage locker and taking some pictures of things I wanted to sell along with some dimensions. I had a friend offer to help me with this so in the first round of picture taking I was supported. It ended up being another month’s worth of locker rental fees before I actually did something with those pictures, but having them in hand along with the support of a friend was a first step.

Then I started telling more friends about what I was trying to do – clear out my locker. I would tell them about what I had in there with the hopes that maybe a friend or two would take some of the stuff off my hands. That felt like it would be an easier way for it to unfold. Through that process I did pass on a few things. That meant I went to the locker a few times and some items actually came out. Another set of small steps.

With a few small steps under my belt I found some spaciousness over the whole thing. I was still in a grumbly frame of mind about it, but I also began to sense a light at the end of the tunnel. I began to feel like I might be able to make it happen. I knew I still needed a strong kick of something to really make me do it. For me that was signing the paper that said I would be out – and that my payments would be no more!

And then a friend came and took a few more things that created more spaciousness in the locker and in my sense of well-being. Yet another small step. With the literal space in the locker I was able to take more pictures and get the dimensions of some items. It was time to post the items online. Still resistance, but now a looming deadline.

I had tired to sell something on Craigslist a few months ago, and as I think about that, I realize it was one of my very first steps toward clearing out my storage locker. I wasn’t even selling something that was in storage at that time – it was something I had in my apartment – it served to help me see that I could sell something online and that it didn’t have to be too painful. Setting up the ad had been quick and kind of fun.

I took the next bold step of putting up a bunch of ads on Craigslist – descriptions, dimensions, and pictures of my goodies. I even chose to put some of the history – the sentiment – of the pieces in the ads, and I chose to acknowledge the pieces I was sad to see go.

Within about 15 minutes of placing the ads the first call came in. Metal garden ornament – “I’ll take it. Could we meet in about 45 minutes for the handoff?” More emails and phone calls on that one. It was gone already. In one of the phone calls the woman said she too had lived in the prairies (part of the sentiment I had included in my ad) and could see how the ornament would remind me of that. The man who made the first call and was the one who bought it off me was tickled pink to be buying it for his wife who was away. He knew she would enjoy it so it would be a surprise for her when she got home. He was recently retired and still figuring out what to do with his time.

And then the island/storage unit – the piece I was most worried about due to its size. It also had a lot of sentimental value, so was one of hardest for me to let go. A young couple were moving into a new apartment. They had recently finished school and were looking to furnish their new place. I enjoyed them so much I even threw in a carpet was I going to give to a thrift store.

“I sit on the sofa and work on my computer, but the coffee table is too low and it’s hurting my back. I think this desk with wheels will work well.” Off went the small yet functional metal desk.

Can you feel how my energy has shifted? My story started with this very negative voice. I’m currently in the energy of really enjoying this project. Sure, it has had some hassles. What I hadn’t appreciated was the really lovely people I might meet along the way. I haven’t had a lot of emails and phone calls, but I didn’t need to have a lot. Each of the people I spoken with bought something and each of them was delightful to connect with. Hmmmm – why didn’t I start with that story – a story of the possibility of fun, adventure, connection?

Here’s where the self-empathy part fits in. That jackal voice earlier was some fear talking. A lovely part of each of us – that fear voice that is there to keep us each safe. I was walking into uncharted territory. I’ve never had to clear out a storage locker before. Lots of unknown and uncertainty means my needs for control and clarity flare up – unmet in that moment. My need to appear competent – triggered by the voice of “What if I can’t make it work?” – was flaring up too.

I’ve been reminded of some lessons I’ve heard before and I guess I needed to hear and experience again.

The first is to take small steps. It is okay to be tentative, dipping in a big toe – trying something – without having to figure out it all out. This includes being gentle with self – with whatever approach I might need to take and to give myself time. Yes, sometimes things/projects will take longer than I want them to.

Second, when I’m in that negative, jackal voice, here’s a open invitation to try a different story, or at least play with the “What if…” story. What if the project could unfold with ease? What if I could have some fun? What if it could mean I meet some really interesting people? What if I could own being sad to see some of the stuff go and give myself permission to grieve? What if it is a bit scarey and that’s okay too?

I’m amazed at how different my reality has turned out to be from the story I first started with. I’m delighted to report the new story. I’m reminded of the power of story and how noticing my story and inviting a new one has the power to change what might be labelled a negative energy story into something very positive.

And finally I’m reminded of the power of sharing our stories. When we keep things bottled inside, it can often continue to feed our negative cycles. Even if the first story we are telling is a negative one, tell it any way. As I shared my story and began to get support with friends – those were the seeds of shifting my energy and being able to paint a new story.

What stories are you telling right now that aren’t feeling good? How might you be able to tell those stories a little differently? Start small – give yourself some permission to “What if…”. Give yourself permission to have a different story. Give yourself permission to find a story that feels better. Whatever your story, share it with your friends.

P.S. As of June 1, the storage locker is empty and I’m no longer making payments!