Category Archives: Vulnerability

Don’t Ask For What You Want – You Might Be Disappointed!

Had a big “a-ha” recently when I connected my struggle of asking for what I want with an effort to avoid being/feeling disappointed.

Here was my logic:

If I ask for what I want I might not get it.  So to avoid that possible disappointment I won’t ask for what I want.  I then can’t get a no.

Hmmm….

Here’s a recent example.  I am wanting to connect with a friend over Skype.  The exchange happens via e-mail.

Friend:  What time would be good?

Me:  I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow.

I don’t hear back from the friend until the next morning.  I haven’t asked to hear back about a specific time.  I haven’t asked about their availability.  And here’s what I really wanted – I desperately wanted the friend to call that very night after 9 pm when I got back home.  I’m sure you were able to read that into my part of the request weren’t you?  My timing was clear wasn’t it?  The intensity of wanting to connect – I put that out there too didn’t I?  And so what did I do?  I rushed home from a lovely event – remember I’m hoping my friend will call me after 9 pm – and sit around, albeit keeping myself occupied with things I am needing to get done – and every few minutes checking Skype to see if my friend is online.

Here’s the irony – in my attempt to avoid disappointment, I feel it anyway.  My friend is nowhere to be found on Skype that evening so I am disappointed we don’t connected AND I get to feel disappointed in myself too.  Double whammy.

There is a voice in my head right now saying “Pathetic!”.  That is my self critical judging voice – the Jackal voice in the world of NVC.  It is a voice of shame as I judge myself for being weak with expressing what I really want.  The Jackal voice is also the gift of a guide post to step into language that is more life affirming – giraffe language – beginning with some self-empathy.  I personally need a little help getting into the self-empathy space and I often get there by doing some self-reflection, a little logic to digest the situation perhaps.

So a little self-reflection.  I’ve noticed what I will do is make my request in very general terms.  The lack of specificity is another part of the defenses to avoid being disappointed.  I’m sort of expressing what I want – I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow. – I just ask for it so generally I’m kind of expecting the recipient to be a mind reader.  In my mind I’m also justifying the approach by telling myself I’m giving consideration to what the other person’s needs might be.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, it just becomes another part of the defense/avoidance mechanism if I put their needs far and away above any specificity of need on my part.

And now some self-empathy.  It can be hard to hear a No.  It can be awful to think of wanting to connect with a friend and then think you might not be able to connect with that person.  The wanting to connect with a friend is a beautiful want.  We – I – so have that innate need for connection and belonging.  And it is a beautiful thing to want to be considerate of my friend’s needs and to acknowledge the reality they might not be able to meet my initial request.

In NVC we talk about redos – when a conversation doesn’t unfold quite the way you had hoped/expected know that for the most part you can create redo possibilities – a chance to have the conversation again with different energy.  Asking for a redo can be another request you can practice making.  In this instance, without knowing it, my friend gave me a redo.  It wasn’t going to be exactly the same request as time had passed, yet I could now apply my a-ha insights.

Friend:   So, recommend a time that works for you.

Me:  It has been rough start this morning.  Not exactly sure why – a collection of “life” stuff to be sure.  Could really use a hug today.  So would early afternoon work – say 1 PM?  I’m conscious of all that you might need to be get done today so there is a part of me that says “I can’t take a chunk of time out of  the middle of your day.”  and yet you’ve asked me for a time, so I’m just going to say 1 PM and see where we get to…

Friend:  I will shoot for that but can’t guarantee. Just heading off now.  Will try to make that happen. Will text with level of success.

We ended up not being able to Skype at 1 pm.  I did get a connection though.  We were able to talk on the phone at 1 pm.  Sure, it didn’t quite unfold the way I had hoped/requested – we weren’t able to Skype – so on some level I received a No – yet on another level my request was answered – I was able to connect with my friend.

There is power in acknowledging the fear – the fear of disappointment, of getting the No – and going forward with my requests anyway.  Because when I do that, I don’t have to be disappointed in myself.  I can feel good about having expressed my needs, about making my now more specific or direct request, about being open to having the requests fulfilled in different or creative ways, and in being considerate of what might be unfolding for the person I am making the request of.  And with the willingness to be present to the disappointment, it doesn’t have the same hook either.  I can feel the “I’ll be okay.” deep down inside.

 

Wherever I Go There I Am

Sunshine.  Dolphins frolicking in the bay.  Hummingbirds buzzing by.  Monarch butterflies taking a rest on their journey.  Purposeful community.  Connection.  Healthy food in abundance.  Thermal baths.  Hidden nooks and crannies.  A warm comfortable bed at night.

Sounds pretty amazing doesn’t it?  Magical I’d say.

And yet…

…in that same beautiful place I am triggered.  I have moments of fear as I speak my truth.  I feel the shields coming up as I receive positive feedback or when I let someone no.  If I let the connection and love in, when I fully show up, will I lose what I am so seeking?  Do I keep myself alone in order to avoid finding myself alone?

I’m hanging at Esalen for five weeks doing a work study program exploring Non-Violent Communication (NVC) within the larger context of purposeful community.  Learning something one day, applying it in community the next.  It is a magical place.  It is a full life place.  It reminds me that wherever I go, there I am.  Whatever personal development work I need to do comes with me, even to paradise.

Here’s the thing – I’m delighting in that.  In NVC we talk about Universal Needs.  Those needs are foundational to my existence as a human being.  It doesn’t matter where I am, I have needs for connection, for belonging, for expansion, to be seen and heard, for meaning, for safety, for consideration.  If I can explore those needs here, I have the opportunity to explore them anywhere because here’s the thing, once I engage in my life, I can do that anywhere.  Wherever I go, there I am.  I can engage in my life here, there and everywhere.

Wherever you go, there you are.*  What parts of you are calling for some attention no matter what circumstances you are in?  Know that whatever work you do to connect with and heal/integrate those parts of yourself gets to come with you wherever you go. When you do self-work, you are forever the beneficiary of your efforts.

 

*My gratitude to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s body of work for introducing me to this concept.

 

 

 

I Slapped a Friend

I didn’t mean to slap my friend.  And the reality is I didn’t physically slap her.  But she told me it felt like I had when I denied her experience. It was a metaphorical slap of disregard.

I’ve been working on my website.  Learning the ins and outs of WordPress.  Figuring out which theme to use – the look and feel for my site.  The themes I was looking at came with some possible images to use on the header (the top part) of each page.

I was showing an early draft of the site to my friend, anxious to get her feedback.  She told me she liked the image to which I responded “Oh that’s just a canned image anyone can use.”

Slap.

Because she’s such a good friend she stopped me right there, right then and told me she felt like she had just been slapped.  She’s right.  My response denied her experience.  She truly enjoyed the image.  She had told me why she was enjoying the image, describing different aspects of it, and I had chosen not to hear her enjoyment.  She felt devalued – both in terms of her taste and her opinion.

And the reality is it is a beautiful image. There is nothing “just” about it. I truly am grateful that image exists in the world.  I had chosen it because it had touched me too.  It felt like it fit with the vibe I was trying to create with my website.

So why did I disregard my friend so quickly?

I was in my own “stuff”.  I’m a recovering perfectionist.  I’ve been struggling with this website for a while now – hardly able to get started because of the perfectionist’s angst around getting it right, having it perfect. The recovering part of me was able to let go of a lot of “perfect” and get started.  My website is not perfect AND it is more than enough.  Yes, it can improve/evolve.  I look forward to that unfolding.

So where did I get stuck?  On the image.  What I was wanting was to use my own image.  I had it in my head that it would be one of my photographs in use on the website.  When I first tried that, it didn’t work.  I tried a number of different configurations, editing the photo, cropping the photo, etc.  Nothing worked.  So I went with the beautiful image that was offered as part of the theme.

And my friend triggered me by focusing on the image.  It was a sore spot for me.  So I went to the place of shame and blame.  I felt inadequate and I took it out on my friend and the lovely image.

I’m grateful to have this friend in my life for so many reasons.  The gift she gives me every time I see her is her authenticity coupled with her ability to be in the moment and share what is unfolding for her.  Her comment about feeling slapped enabled me to stop and check-in with myself.  I could  then acknowledge my trigger and I could acknowledge my friend.

Sometimes those moments of a friend calling you on your “stuff” can be a bit scarey.  It can feel confrontational.  Coming out the other side however, I’ve found, is always a better place.  A place where feelings and needs have been acknowledged.  Where people feel heard.  It is not about right or wrong, rather it is about being vulnerable and genuine connection.

Here’s the added irony.  I decided to switch to a different theme. The image I had liked was no longer available with the new theme.  None of the new images resonated with me in a way that felt appropriate for my website.  So I tried once again to use one of my own images, and this time it worked!  Don’t know what I didn’t differently.

And the kicker – I think the image that I had poo-pooed in my moment of being triggered is actually a lovelier image than my own.  So I’m feeling inspired to take more photographs and create one that truly feels right for my website. For now the website with my image is more than enough.