Category Archives: Fear

Love is…

How do you define love?

I was asked to give a talk at Unity of Vancouver earlier this month. The theme, given to me by Unity, was Love.  As part of the preparation for my talk I asked myself  “What is my definition of love?”  Love is one of those words that we see everywhere, used in all kinds of contexts from “I love chocolate,” to “Love is life force energy,” to “Love hurts!”

My start was to define love as emotion and things evolved from there!  I’m not going to give away where things ended up – you’ll have to listen to the talk for that (a big tease I know!) – but I will say that my definition was inspired by ideas from:

  • meta-physics and the New Thought Movement – and in particular a book entitled The Twelve Powers by Charles FIllmore.  I focused on the two soul powers of love and wisdom.
  • the belly brain (the seed of your wisdom power perhaps…) and the heart brain (the seed of your love power perhaps…) – two concepts referred to in the context of Interpersonal Neurobiology.
  • a fun website I explored called www.canyoudefinelove.com.
  • many poems, words, and songs on love from the likes of Rumi, John Denver, Deepak Chopra, and more!
  • images of love from Gaping Void – here’s one of my favourites.

I hope my talk inspires you to connect with and listen to love – in all its shades and hues.  You’ll find the talk here (mp3)…

P.S.  Came across many jokes/sayings about love in my exploration as well.  This one made me smile:

Do you believe in love at first site?  Or should I walk past again?

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012, 2013

No Regrets

It seems that as we approach the end of our lives we have regrets.

I’ve read many books that talked to people who are nearing the end of their lives either because of terminal illness or age.  A common theme is having regrets.

Regrets come in all shapes and sizes –

  • wishing you had said no when you said yes
  • wishing you had said yes when you said no
  • wishing you had resolved that problem with a particular person
  • wishing you had told that person how you felt about him/her
  • wishing you had jumped, taken the risk, when instead you hesitated

The list could go on.  For the most part regrets are about wishing you had taken an action  – whether it is to do or say something – an action different than the one you took.

I try and live my life without regret.  I ask myself with some regularity “If I were to die tomorrow, how do I feel about the choices I’ve made to this moment?”  And then I notice how I feel as I ponder my answer.  I have to say that right now I’m noticing some not so good feelings – those feelings are telling me I have to take some different actions.

I did take some action today.  I wrote am email I’ve been putting off doing for several days – am email that might well lead to the end of an intimate relationship.  Yet now if tomorrow never comes, I shared some things I needed to share.  And it wasn’t about yelling, being angry, or about wishing for something different.  It was about taking responsibility for my own feelings and asking to hear about theirs.

And there is some other action I need to take.  Another friend is, I believe, hanging at the moment because I haven’t responded.  I’ve been avoiding – it feels easier in this moment.  Yet the idea of tomorrow not coming leaves me with a bad flavour in my mouth if I am to leave things with this friend the way they currently stand. It is not a big deal, but it is about speaking my truth and sometimes that can feel vulnerable and scary.  So I’m inviting myself to step into that scary, to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, and know that shifts my feeling of regret.

A person recently asked me “Can you really get to the end and not have regrets?” I don’t know. I’m certainly willing to put the energy into my life, to live it on purpose, to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, and find out.  How about you?

Telling A Different Story

I was reminded recently about the power of reframing.  Reframing is when you tell a different story, a re-interpretation of some aspect or event in your life.  Mine had to do with clearing out my storage locker.  I have been wanting (and sort of not wanting) to make it happen for a few months now.  I recently signed the piece of paper that says I’ll have the space clear for June 1.  Signing was the way for me to “force” my hand – to create that deadline to move me into action. Here’s the general story I was telling:

I don’t want to deal with clearing out my storage locker.  This going to be painful.  How am I going to make this happen?  This is going to be a hassle putting things online to sell, coordinating with people, meeting them at my storage locker, negotiating (if anybody even wants to buy anything), yeesh!  Am I going to have to ask someone to help me?  I can’t be in the locker and meeting someone at the entrance to the building at the same time.  And what if I can’t get rid of anything?  What will I do then?  How I will get rid of what remains?  It won’t fit in my car.  I don’t want to just take it all to landfill.  That’s not very considerate of the environment.  I’ve got a deadline now.  Why did I do that?  Why didn’t I do a better job at getting rid of this stuff when I made my last move?  I’ve been paying rent on this locker for a few months now – that’s money out the window given the low value of everything in it.  I love some of that stuff.  Part of me is really sad to see it go.

In the world of NVC, most of this would be labelled Jackal voice.  The voice that is judgmental, critical, and generally not positive.  Sometimes that voice speaks very loudly in my head.  It brings me down.  It zaps my energy to the point that sometimes I feel unable to muster up the motivation to even start a project.  In this instance I was motivated because I’m trying to manage my budget differently right now and there was no way to justify what I was spending on the storage.  It just didn’t make sense to hold on to the stuff for economic or sentimental reasons.  Yet I was still having a hard time making this project happen.

Sometimes it is about taking one step.  Getting a small “win” – trying something that is successful in its outcome.  Small steps for me included getting into the storage locker and taking some pictures of things I wanted to sell along with some dimensions.  I had a friend offer to help me with this so in the first round of picture taking I was supported. It ended up being another month’s worth of locker rental fees before I actually did something with those pictures, but having them in hand along with the support of a friend was a first step.

Then I started telling more friends about what I was trying to do – clear out my locker.  I would tell them about what I had in there with the hopes that maybe a friend or two would take some of the stuff off my hands.  That felt like it would be an easier way for it to unfold.  Through that process I did pass on a few things.  That meant I went to the locker a few times and some items actually came out.  Another set of small steps.

With a few small steps under my belt I found some spaciousness over the whole thing.  I was still in a grumbly frame of mind about it, but I also began to sense a  light at the end of the tunnel.  I began to feel like I might be able to make it happen.  I knew I still needed a strong kick of something to really make me do it.  For me that was signing the paper that said I would be out – and that my payments would be no more!

And then a friend came and took a few more things that created more spaciousness in the locker and in my sense of well-being.  Yet another small step.  With the literal space in the locker I was able to take more pictures and get the dimensions of some items.  It was time to post the items online.  Still resistance, but now a looming deadline.

I had tired to sell something on Craigslist a few months ago, and as I think about that, I realize it was one of my very first steps toward clearing out my storage locker.  I wasn’t even selling something that was in storage at that time – it was something I had in my apartment – it served to help me see that I could sell something online and that it didn’t have to be too painful. Setting up the ad had been quick and kind of fun.

I took the next bold step of putting up a bunch of ads on Craigslist – descriptions, dimensions, and pictures of my goodies.  I even chose to put some of the history – the sentiment – of the pieces in the ads, and I chose to acknowledge the pieces I was sad to see go.

Within about 15 minutes of placing the ads the first call came in.  Metal garden ornament – “I’ll take it.  Could we meet in about 45 minutes for the handoff?”  More emails and phone calls on that one.  It was gone already.  In one of the phone calls the woman said she too had lived in the prairies (part of the sentiment I had included in my ad) and could see how the ornament would remind me of that.  The man who made the first call and was the one who bought it off me was tickled pink to be buying it for his wife who was away.  He knew she would enjoy it so it would be a surprise for her when she got home.  He was recently retired and still figuring out what to do with his time.

And then the island/storage unit – the piece I was most worried about due to its size.  It also had a lot of sentimental value, so was one of hardest for me to let go. A young couple were moving into a new apartment.  They had recently finished school and were looking to furnish their new place.  I enjoyed them so much I even threw in a carpet was I going to give to a thrift store.

“I sit on the sofa and work on my computer, but the coffee table is too low and it’s hurting  my back.  I think this desk with wheels will work well.”  Off went the small yet functional metal desk.

Can you feel how my energy has shifted?  My story started with this very negative voice.  I’m currently in the energy of really enjoying this project.  Sure, it has had some hassles.  What I hadn’t appreciated was the really lovely people I might meet along the way.  I haven’t had a lot of emails and phone calls, but I didn’t need to have a lot.  Each of the people I spoken with bought something and each of them was delightful to connect with.  Hmmmm – why didn’t I start with that story – a story of the possibility of fun, adventure, connection?

Here’s where the self-empathy part fits in.  That jackal voice earlier was some fear talking.  A lovely part of each of us – that fear voice that is there to keep us each safe.  I was walking into uncharted territory.  I’ve never had to clear out a storage locker before.  Lots of unknown and uncertainty means my needs for control and clarity flare up – unmet in that moment. My need to appear competent – triggered by the voice of “What if I can’t make it work?” – was flaring up too.

I’ve been reminded of some lessons I’ve heard before and I guess I needed to hear and experience again.

The first is to take small steps.  It is okay to be tentative, dipping in a big toe – trying something – without having to figure out it all out.  This includes being gentle with self – with whatever approach I might need to take and to give myself time.  Yes, sometimes things/projects will take longer than I want them to.

Second, when I’m in that negative, jackal voice, here’s a open invitation to try a different story, or at least play with the “What if…” story.  What if the project could unfold with ease?  What if I could have some fun?  What if it could mean I meet some really interesting people?  What if I could own being sad to see some of the stuff go and give myself permission to grieve?  What if it is a bit scarey and that’s okay too?

I’m amazed at how different my reality has turned out to be from the story I first started with.  I’m delighted to report the new story.  I’m reminded of the power of story and how noticing my story and inviting a new one has the power to change what might be labelled a negative energy story into something very positive.

And finally I’m reminded of the power of sharing our stories.  When we keep things bottled inside, it can often continue to feed our negative cycles.  Even if the first story we are telling is a negative one, tell it any way.  As I shared my story and began to get support with friends – those were the seeds of shifting my energy and being able to paint a new story.

What stories are you telling right now that aren’t feeling good?  How might you be able to tell those stories a little differently?  Start small – give yourself some permission to “What if…”.  Give yourself permission to have a different story.  Give yourself permission to find a story that feels better.  Whatever your story, share it with your friends.

P.S.  As of June 1, the storage locker is empty and I’m no longer making payments!

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Change of Address

I’m a controller.  In other words I like control and I try to control my life.  I understand and appreciate that this is not always the best strategy for life.  I have over the years tried to let go, be gentle with my need for control.

I get that it is grounded in fear – worries that my needs won’t be met if I’m not in control.   And what if I actually do trust somebody and they let me down?  If I control it, by doing it myself for example, then I don’t have to worry about that trust or depending on someone thing.

Recently I find I’m asking myself, in a very loving, kind playful voice, “So how’s that control life thing working for you Catherine?”  For as much as I try to control the situation (probably more truthfully stated as try to control the people in the situation) life – the Universe – has a way of reminding me I am so not in control.

Here’s my latest example.  I have to laugh, because if I don’t, I might cry!

Due to one circumstance or another I found myself moving around quite a bit.  Part of it involved a forced move due the condo I was renting being sold.  Part of it involved deciding to go to a retreat centre for 5 weeks and book-ending the retreat with a road trip.  And I knew once I returned from the trip, I’d be getting yet another new address because returning meant I’d be looking for a new place to live.

“I know,” I thought, “I’ll get one of those mailboxes in place like a UPS store.  I’ll pick a convenient location so that way if I move, I can still easily get to it.  And if I travel they can mail whatever arrives into the box to me.  It will be great to use as my business address anyway.  So perfect!  Implement that and then no more change of address requests required.  Maybe ever!”  With this logic I did a little happy dance and have proceeded to move most, if not all, of my mail to the address of my new mailbox.  I was proud of myself!  I had found a solution  – a way to control how things might unfold in the future in my life.

Went to said mailbox today and what did I find?  A notice.  “What did the notice say?” you might be asking.  It was a notice to inform me that the store that is the keeper of my mailbox is MOVING!  And could I inform whomever I needed to of my CHANGE OF ADDRESS!!

I re-read the notice hoping it was a joke – that perhaps I had read something incorrectly.  Nope.  I could get really frustrated with this if I wanted to.  I have put in a lot of effort worrying about change of addresses in the last while.  I had practiced sound judgement to find a solution!  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This didn’t factor in my scenario of life.

In the end I’m laughing, thinking about the Serenity Prayer, asking myself “So how’s the controlling life thing working for you Catherine?”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr

 

Perhaps at this point I could simply acknowledge that I don’t know what my life is going to look like a year from now.  I don’t even know what it is going to look like tomorrow. I can have some idea, but I can’t know it all.  I certainly can’t control it all.

So I might as well accept that I’ll be filing “Change of Address requests” for the rest of my life.  When, how, under what circumstances, no idea!

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Fear of Success

I’m presently listening to the book entitled The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity:  A Simple Guide to Unlimited Abundance by  Edwene Gaines.  I’ve explored prosperity principles in my own life for a while now and have come to appreciate that having less can feel like more.  In this exact moment I make less money than I have in a long time and yet my life feels richer, fuller, and more rewarding than ever.  That said, there is still work to be done.

Edwene describes prosperity as:

  • a healthy body
  • relationships that work all the time
  • work that you love
  • money – all you can spend

Over the past 4 years I’ve put loads of energy into getting healthy, finding work that I love – my purpose – and learning tools for and stretching myself in relationship.  My study of vulnerability, Non-Violent Communication, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Improvisational Theatre, Interpersonal Neurobiology – all of these inform the work I do, my relationship with my Self, and how I show up and am in relationship with others.  My learning, the journey, will never end yet I can look back over the last four years and acknowledge and celebrate that I am not where I was.  I DO FEEL HAPPY and it does not feel phoney to say LIFE IS GOOD!

And yet…

Financially I’m anxious. And when I get to the core of it, I see clearly that it is ME holding ME back.  There is a fear of stepping fully into this life I say I want. I get scared when I think of being successful.  I feel overwhelmed.  What if it doesn’t work out that way I’m envisioning?  I’ve been a do it all myself kind of gal and yet I know I can’t do it all myself to realize the dreams I have.  I will need to depend on other people.  I will need to ask for help.  Yikes!

We humans are genius at our own games.  We have something called defense mechanisms – ways to stay safe – or so we lead ourselves to believe.  So  in my fear of success my defense mechanism that comes into play is to keep myself out of the game.  If I don’t step into the game, then I can’t lose.  I can’t be proven wrong.  I can’t feel disappointed.  The irony is that I still feel disappointed.  I still feel like I am losing – a sense of being unfulfilled.

And this in turn is tied to my belief (or lack there of) in self.  Yup, we’re back to shame and vulnerability again.  Self-doubt can be crippling.  I know.  I live it quite regularly.  We deserve, I deserve to prosper.  I am not a bad person if I am financially successful because really, can I be bad person for sharing my gifts?

So I’m working on my fear of success, or as Edwene suggests, I’m expanding my bliss tolerance.  I’m letting those visions of a successful me dance around in my head.  I’m regularly saying aloud this quote from Marianne Williamson about letting my light shine.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

And as I review her words, I’m reminded that we are all worthy.  That what I want for others, their own peace, happiness, contentment, calls me forth to be my fullest self, to step into the idea of successfully sharing my gifts.

So I start where I often do – with some self-compassion.  I acknowledge my fear of success.  At the same time, I step into envisioning success and creating feelings of success in my body.  And I try stuff.  I schedule a meeting to share my ideas.  I schedule a workshop.  I make an ask for help.  And as I do all of these things, I see that I am okay.  I see that yes, I can do it.  Everyday another step towards a successful, prosperous life and a step towards believing even more fully in self and that which guides me.