Category Archives: Non-Violent Communication

No Such Thing As Mistakes

I’m getting the flash of the “X’s” in either red or bold black on the school assignments.

The years in school had a huge focus on right and wrong, on correcting mistakes. In some fields of study there is right and wrong. Two plus two is indeed 4, it is not 5 or any other number. We need to learn that. And yet that horrible feeling – at least for me anyway – that would come when I saw those X’s or the grade that meant I didn’t get full marks. It took me to that place of “not good enough”, that place of shame, and somehow that doesn’t seem best for learning.

I remember in particular an incident in grade 10. The assignment was to read a story and write your feelings about the characters. I did not find one of the characters very sympathetic and wrote this in my assignment. I found myself defending myself in front of the whole class and being told by the teacher that I was “walking on thin ice,” that my opinion was incorrect, that my feelings couldn’t be that. I don’t remember what my feelings were supposed to be, I just remember mine were wrong, to the tune of an F. This was the first F of my life. Life went on and I ultimately passed the class and Grade 10 with flying colours, yet I sure do remember that incident. Even now I’m feeling the tightness and anxiousness in my body as I recall that experience.

Incidents like these have influenced my life. For some, in those moments your voice gets louder. For me, I shrink, feel smaller, and experience that warm wash of shame. These experiences were not empowering – at least they didn’t feel that way in the moment.

Having them as part of my experience in this moment now, in who I am in the present does feel empowering. I can work with them in ways that enables me to feel bigger, stronger, more powerful in my life. One of the ways that I do that is to consciously, purposefully not use the language of mistakes, of right and wrong.

I’m more than willing to acknowledge those circumstances in which I make a choice, learn something after experiencing that choice and then perhaps saying “Wow, I wish I’d chosen differently,” or any sort of wishing for having done, said, or been different. Was I wrong or mistaken with the first choice? I believe not. I practice discernment. I generally don’t take decisions lightly. I am a lawful citizen.

I learn and with that learning I make new choices. That doesn’t make me wrong or mistaken. That makes me a reflective, purposeful learner. I’m happy to be one of those.

So I invite you to think about that voice in yourself that judges you as right/wrong, good/bad. Consider being a little gentler with yourself.

To close, here is one of my favorite quotes from Rumi:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there.

Spinach Between My Teeth

Have you ever been to a two hour meeting where you met a bunch of new people, laughed, and shared stores and then upon arriving home from said meeting realized you had spinach between your front teeth the whole time?

Yup. Just had that experience.

First feelings – mortification, embarrassment. Convinced they think I’m an idiot – ah that warm wash of shame that says “I’m not good enough.” My needs for belonging, connection, acceptance, acknowledgment, competence – absolutely not being met in that first instance of seeing dinner’s spinach pizza between my teeth.

Why didn’t anyone say anything?

Yes, truly, why don’t people say anything? I spoke to several new people that evening and no one said anything. It is interesting to consider the “spinach between the teeth” scenario from their perspective. So let me put myself in their shoes by considering what happens to me when I encounter someone who has spinach (or some other visible food item) between their teeth. Here are the some of the voices in my head I can recall from a recent “incident”:

Do I tell them they have spinach between their teeth? I don’t want to interrupt them. Gosh this could feel embarrassing. I don’t want to embarrass them. How do I do this discretely?

What I’m noticing in my body as I type those sentences is my discomfort. Discomfort triggered by thoughts of their discomfort and it is my own discomfort that stops me from saying anything. I don’t want to risk having to be present for their discomfort. How paradoxical! Rather than step in and potentially easily resolve, I hold back, shut down in a way and experience my discomfort rather than theirs.

So I’m imaging all those people who were talking with me were experiencing their own discomfort with my spinach.

What to do?

Step in to whatever is alive for you. I advocate that for both the Spinachee and the Noticer. So in the first instance for Spinach Smile Me I get to once again practice self-connecting and offering some self-empathy. My first reactions were just that, my first reactions – the embarrassment, the shame. Triggered by my lovely needs – the desire to connect, the desire to be perceived as competent. The desire to be noticed – to be seen – not for my spinach but for who I truly am. And isn’t it possible that the conversations I had were worthy, engaging, connecting – with or without spinach!?!

And for the Noticer Me – the one who is staring (or trying not to) at the spinach in someone else’s teeth – I can step into that discomfort too. Sure, it might be a little awkward to point out the spinach. Those are my thoughts of how it might be – it doesn’t actually have to be. Why not try it? I can notice my discomfort, love myself for being concerned about how my words might impact the other and go forth anyway. It could be as simple as:

“I’m just going to quickly mention you have some spinach between your teeth.”

“Oh. Gosh, would hate to get home and discover it in the mirror myself tonight. Grateful you mentioned it. What was I saying about…”

Expectations – Good or Bad?

I’ve had two friends recently tell me they are worried about my expectations. They are worried about expectations I have about a particular person and my relationship with that person. I’m perplexed. My body has a sensation of wanting to push back, to reject their voices about my expectations.

What’s so wrong with expectations for myself or someone else? What could be wrong with me wanting to see someone put energy into their health and well-being? What could be wrong with me wanting to go camping? Or more generally on vacation?

Maybe it is not about right or wrong. Maybe they are not saying it is wrong for me to have expectations. Maybe they are just worried that my dreams won’t come true and then how will I feel? And it is lovely that they worry about me, and yet I want to have my dreams and have dreams for others. I’ll deal with the consequences if those dreams don’t come true. Sometimes what I hoped for doesn’t happen, but something even better, that I couldn’t imagine at the time does. Yes, sometimes I’m disappointed and I have to do a little mourning at the loss, the grieving of an unrealized dream. I’m okay with all of that.

Let me back track for a second. What is an expectation anyway? I’ve looked at lots of definitions. Here’s as couple:

something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for
an attitude of expectancy or hope
anticipation
prospects, especially of success or gain
anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
belief about (or mental picture of) the future

Sounds pretty good wouldn’t you say? I want anticipation. I want hope. And yet when I read online about expectations, so much caution! I came across this quote that seems to sum up everyone’s concern about expectations:

Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. [Alexander Pope – Letter to Fortescue]

Part of the arguments around this are that expectations take us and maybe even keep us in the future. The alternative is to be in the moment, accepting and acknowledging what is.

I’ve made a conscious choice to question either/or thinking. I think expectations are a good example. I’m going to have them. Not having them, well for me, that’s not life! Life is going to have disappointment. And I’m realizing I’m okay with that. I want to have dreams, ideas, possibilities. Will they all materialize? No. Do they feed me and inspire me to show up in my life? Yes.

AND I want to practice being in the moment as well. I don’t want to live exclusively in the future, with expectation. I want to appreciate what is unfolding now.

My take on expectations is that they are wrapped up in being human. They are tied to needs, desires, values, beliefs – so to say don’t have them, well quite frankly, that seems ridiculous. And why wouldn’t I hold an expectation of another human being being able?

So are expectations good or bad? I guess they just are. Maybe it is more about realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy expectations. Even those will be hard to define – more organic, permeable, and tied to context I think than black and white in their definition.

I was curious about how some folks who practice NVC might talk about needs versus expectations. They suggested yes, we have our needs, and the invitation is to let go of expectations of how those needs will be filled. I can buy into that, yet at the same time, I’m not letting go of visions and dreams. I practice affirmations and visioning. When I launch one or the other I always say to the Universe “This or something better.” I can’t know what better is until I’ve lived it – experienced it. And sometimes that pathway is through disappointment – I’ve had my share of that – and yet I’m really really glad I am where I am in my life and all the things/experiences/people that have brought me to this place.

So yes, I’m going to keep having my expectations. And yes, I’m going to keep checking on them. I can agree that sometimes they are not serving me – perhaps because through the expectation I am holding myself or someone else to an unrealistic standard. Those expectations can be adjusted.

In this moment I’m grateful my friends expressed their concerns about my expectations. It has been fruitful for me to do this exploration. My expectations remain, yet I’m noticing I hold them a little less tightly, inspired by the reminder that how they come to life might look different than what I am expecting.

In case you are curious, here are some of the websites I look at as I was ruminating on this piece:

Unrealistic Expectations in Relationship

Expectations in Relationships: The Flip Side of Obligations

Building a Healthy Relationship From the Start

The Trust About Relationship Expectations

NVC Needs, Desires, Values, Expectations, Thoughts

Vulnerability x 2

I’m a follower of NVC – Non-Violent Communication. Part of “following” NVC is my own practice and it is tapping into the network of folks who are committed to NVC in their own lives/work. One of the things/people I follow in that context is Miki Kashtan’s blog – Recently she posted about types of Vulnerability. Here’s an excerpt:

That was the point when the bigger surprise came. After listening to me, my friend, who’s known me for years, brought to my attention a third way in which interacting with me can be challenging. I hadn’t remembered that I often make it quite challenging for people to give me love and care unless it comes in “just so” forms which only few people ever find. While I have known this, and know where this protection originated in my childhood, I hadn’t until that day related it to my path of vulnerability. Suddenly, I saw the paradox: how could it be that after almost 16 years of being on that path it was still difficult for me to receive care in other forms than the precise ones that my organism favors? That’s when I understood that my path of vulnerability has been on my terms: I come out, by my volition, and “undefend” myself. I express myself and willingly accept consequences. This is only one side of vulnerability. I’ve not yet even begun exploring what cultivating receptive rather than volitional vulnerability would look like. I’ve had a couple of small experiences that have given me pointers to what this could be. One such experience showed me that this kind of vulnerability is about letting go of a certain kind of holding, allowing the world to “catch” me, and taking the risk that I might “fall” and there would be nothing to land on. A far greater risk to this organism than ridicule or lack of acceptance. It’s about stepping, once again and beyond infancy, into the experience of being at the mercy of others. It’s about a form of deep surrender I’ve only experienced fleetingly. Just as much as I wanted to reclaim my vulnerability when I started my path, I can almost feel the yearning to find my place, to rest in the grand scheme of things, to be part of, not so separate, not so alone.

Vulnerability is one of theme’s in my own life – indeed is a “category” for my blog! But I had not thought about the two dimensions to vulnerability that Miki mentions – receptive and volitional vulnerability. And I have talked in the past about wanting to be a better receiver – that by deflecting/pushing away/making light of – what others want to give to me, I am taking away their opportunity to be a giver. I want to be both a good giver and receiver. So when I read Miki’s blog post, I was stuck once again by the significance of receiving and by this new idea that receiving is another face of vulnerability.

As with most aspects of life, any opportunity for reframing is usually an opportunity for learning and integrating. It is helpful for me to think of receiving as an aspect of my vulnerability. So there is comfort in knowing that as I work on my vulnerability I might also be enhancing my capacity to receive.

The invitation now is to direct some of my attention to receptive vulnerability – to finding some spaciousness around what I let in – surrendering to what might come my way that doesn’t arrive in a “package” I’m used to. When I launch a rocket of desire – something/someone/some idea that I’m wanting to manifest in my life I often add “this or something better, something that serves my higher good.” Feeling like even more can come into my purview now as I practice receptive vulnerability.

How are you at giving with vulnerability and receiving with vulnerability?

Take It Personally

Here’s the scenario:

I’ve sent emails out to two different friends who are important in my life and have not had a response from either of them. For one friend the norm is to hear back the very day I send the email. It is now three days later. For the other friend, I’ve been sending emails for a few months now with no response and phone calls haven’t lead me anywhere either.

My first response, or perhaps better said, reaction, is to assume I have done something wrong. What did I say or do that has resulted in them not wanting to talk to/connect with me? This is my default shame reaction where I take things personally and I ground them in my sense of a “less-than” self.

I’m a little older and wiser now with all the work I have done on myself these least few years so I can at least see going to that shame place. I usually can’t stop myself from going there, yet now that I see myself going there I have options. With awareness comes choice.

I remind myself that yes, I may have been a trigger for that person in some way, but I get to give their reaction back to them. I get to be responsible for my own feelings and they get to be responsible for theirs. So in actuality I do get to take it personally, just my own personal, I get to look at what is coming up for me.

That “own personal” attention is for me a form of self-empathy. I get to acknowledge my feelings and explore what is behind them – my needs. Just as valid as my whatever may be transpiring for my friends. I have a direct line into me.

So what is coming up for me? I’m sad these friends have not replied back. And I’m concerned about them on two fronts. One, maybe something is unfolding for them that has absolutely nothing to do with our exchanges. Can I help?

Second, if I have said something to trigger either of them, I would like to know what that is. Perhaps there is a way I can reframe something. Perhaps I’ve been misunderstood. And perhaps it is just going to be a tigger – I might have said something that sounded just like one of their parents and depending on their history, they were transported back there for a while. It can be a bit scarey and vulnerable to step into finding out, but I’m willing to go there. Here, while I’m part of the exchange, I’m not coming from the place of having done something wrong.

What’s behind all of this is are MY needs for connection, belonging, clarity, consideration, and love. And those are beautiful needs. I don’t have to think of myself as “less than” for having those needs. In the past I’ve done an immediate translation to equate anxiousness with the shame response. Now I can see that the anxiousness means some of my needs are not being met. I’m whole, I’m just wanting connection.

So the next time you feel to take something personally, believing that you are somehow at fault, less than, for something, I invite you take it personally – your own personal – and look behind the circumstances. Which of your needs are calling forth?

Don’t Ask For What You Want – You Might Be Disappointed!

Had a big “a-ha” recently when I connected my struggle of asking for what I want with an effort to avoid being/feeling disappointed.

Here was my logic:

If I ask for what I want I might not get it. So to avoid that possible disappointment I won’t ask for what I want. I then can’t get a no.

Hmmm….

Here’s a recent example. I am wanting to connect with a friend over Skype. The exchange happens via e-mail.

Friend: What time would be good?

Me: I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow.

I don’t hear back from the friend until the next morning. I haven’t asked to hear back about a specific time. I haven’t asked about their availability. And here’s what I really wanted – I desperately wanted the friend to call that very night after 9 pm when I got back home. I’m sure you were able to read that into my part of the request weren’t you? My timing was clear wasn’t it? The intensity of wanting to connect – I put that out there too didn’t I? And so what did I do? I rushed home from a lovely event – remember I’m hoping my friend will call me after 9 pm – and sit around, albeit keeping myself occupied with things I am needing to get done – and every few minutes checking Skype to see if my friend is online.

Here’s the irony – in my attempt to avoid disappointment, I feel it anyway. My friend is nowhere to be found on Skype that evening so I am disappointed we don’t connected AND I get to feel disappointed in myself too. Double whammy.

There is a voice in my head right now saying “Pathetic!”. That is my self critical judging voice – the Jackal voice in the world of NVC. It is a voice of shame as I judge myself for being weak with expressing what I really want. The Jackal voice is also the gift of a guide post to step into language that is more life affirming – giraffe language – beginning with some self-empathy. I personally need a little help getting into the self-empathy space and I often get there by doing some self-reflection, a little logic to digest the situation perhaps.

So a little self-reflection. I’ve noticed what I will do is make my request in very general terms. The lack of specificity is another part of the defenses to avoid being disappointed. I’m sort of expressing what I want – I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow. – I just ask for it so generally I’m kind of expecting the recipient to be a mind reader. In my mind I’m also justifying the approach by telling myself I’m giving consideration to what the other person’s needs might be. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it just becomes another part of the defense/avoidance mechanism if I put their needs far and away above any specificity of need on my part.

And now some self-empathy. It can be hard to hear a No. It can be awful to think of wanting to connect with a friend and then think you might not be able to connect with that person. The wanting to connect with a friend is a beautiful want. We – I – so have that innate need for connection and belonging. And it is a beautiful thing to want to be considerate of my friend’s needs and to acknowledge the reality they might not be able to meet my initial request.

In NVC we talk about redos – when a conversation doesn’t unfold quite the way you had hoped/expected know that for the most part you can create redo possibilities – a chance to have the conversation again with different energy. Asking for a redo can be another request you can practice making. In this instance, without knowing it, my friend gave me a redo. It wasn’t going to be exactly the same request as time had passed, yet I could now apply my a-ha insights.

Friend: So, recommend a time that works for you.

Me: It has been rough start this morning. Not exactly sure why – a collection of “life” stuff to be sure. Could really use a hug today. So would early afternoon work – say 1 PM? I’m conscious of all that you might need to be get done today so there is a part of me that says “I can’t take a chunk of time out of the middle of your day.” and yet you’ve asked me for a time, so I’m just going to say 1 PM and see where we get to…

Friend: I will shoot for that but can’t guarantee. Just heading off now. Will try to make that happen. Will text with level of success.

We ended up not being able to Skype at 1 pm. I did get a connection though. We were able to talk on the phone at 1 pm. Sure, it didn’t quite unfold the way I had hoped/requested – we weren’t able to Skype – so on some level I received a No – yet on another level my request was answered – I was able to connect with my friend.

There is power in acknowledging the fear – the fear of disappointment, of getting the No – and going forward with my requests anyway. Because when I do that, I don’t have to be disappointed in myself. I can feel good about having expressed my needs, about making my now more specific or direct request, about being open to having the requests fulfilled in different or creative ways, and in being considerate of what might be unfolding for the person I am making the request of. And with the willingness to be present to the disappointment, it doesn’t have the same hook either. I can feel the “I’ll be okay.” deep down inside.

Wherever I Go There I Am

Sunshine. Dolphins frolicking in the bay. Hummingbirds buzzing by. Monarch butterflies taking a rest on their journey. Purposeful community. Connection. Healthy food in abundance. Thermal baths. Hidden nooks and crannies. A warm comfortable bed at night.

Sounds pretty amazing doesn’t it? Magical I’d say.

And yet…

…in that same beautiful place I am triggered. I have moments of fear as I speak my truth. I feel the shields coming up as I receive positive feedback or when I let someone no. If I let the connection and love in, when I fully show up, will I lose what I am so seeking? Do I keep myself alone in order to avoid finding myself alone?

I’m hanging at Esalen for five weeks doing a work study program exploring Non-Violent Communication (NVC) within the larger context of purposeful community. Learning something one day, applying it in community the next. It is a magical place. It is a full life place. It reminds me that wherever I go, there I am. Whatever personal development work I need to do comes with me, even to paradise.

Here’s the thing – I’m delighting in that. In NVC we talk about Universal Needs. Those needs are foundational to my existence as a human being. It doesn’t matter where I am, I have needs for connection, for belonging, for expansion, to be seen and heard, for meaning, for safety, for consideration. If I can explore those needs here, I have the opportunity to explore them anywhere because here’s the thing, once I engage in my life, I can do that anywhere. Wherever I go, there I am. I can engage in my life here, there and everywhere.

Wherever you go, there you are.* What parts of you are calling for some attention no matter what circumstances you are in? Know that whatever work you do to connect with and heal/integrate those parts of yourself gets to come with you wherever you go. When you do self-work, you are forever the beneficiary of your efforts.

*My gratitude to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s body of work for introducing me to this concept.

I Slapped a Friend

I didn’t mean to slap my friend. And the reality is I didn’t physically slap her. But she told me it felt like I had when I denied her experience. It was a metaphorical slap of disregard.

I’ve been working on my website. Learning the ins and outs of WordPress. Figuring out which theme to use – the look and feel for my site. The themes I was looking at came with some possible images to use on the header (the top part) of each page.

I was showing an early draft of the site to my friend, anxious to get her feedback. She told me she liked the image to which I responded “Oh that’s just a canned image anyone can use.”

Slap.

Because she’s such a good friend she stopped me right there, right then and told me she felt like she had just been slapped. She’s right. My response denied her experience. She truly enjoyed the image. She had told me why she was enjoying the image, describing different aspects of it, and I had chosen not to hear her enjoyment. She felt devalued – both in terms of her taste and her opinion.

And the reality is it is a beautiful image. There is nothing “just” about it. I truly am grateful that image exists in the world. I had chosen it because it had touched me too. It felt like it fit with the vibe I was trying to create with my website.

So why did I disregard my friend so quickly?

I was in my own “stuff”. I’m a recovering perfectionist. I’ve been struggling with this website for a while now – hardly able to get started because of the perfectionist’s angst around getting it right, having it perfect. The recovering part of me was able to let go of a lot of “perfect” and get started. My website is not perfect AND it is more than enough. Yes, it can improve/evolve. I look forward to that unfolding.

So where did I get stuck? On the image. What I was wanting was to use my own image. I had it in my head that it would be one of my photographs in use on the website. When I first tried that, it didn’t work. I tried a number of different configurations, editing the photo, cropping the photo, etc. Nothing worked. So I went with the beautiful image that was offered as part of the theme.

And my friend triggered me by focusing on the image. It was a sore spot for me. So I went to the place of shame and blame. I felt inadequate and I took it out on my friend and the lovely image.

I’m grateful to have this friend in my life for so many reasons. The gift she gives me every time I see her is her authenticity coupled with her ability to be in the moment and share what is unfolding for her. Her comment about feeling slapped enabled me to stop and check-in with myself. I could then acknowledge my trigger and I could acknowledge my friend.

Sometimes those moments of a friend calling you on your “stuff” can be a bit scarey. It can feel confrontational. Coming out the other side however, I’ve found, is always a better place. A place where feelings and needs have been acknowledged. Where people feel heard. It is not about right or wrong, rather it is about being vulnerable and genuine connection.

Here’s the added irony. I decided to switch to a different theme. The image I had liked was no longer available with the new theme. None of the new images resonated with me in a way that felt appropriate for my website. So I tried once again to use one of my own images, and this time it worked! Don’t know what I didn’t differently.

And the kicker – I think the image that I had poo-pooed in my moment of being triggered is actually a lovelier image than my own. So I’m feeling inspired to take more photographs and create one that truly feels right for my website. For now the website with my image is more than enough.

Catherine Hajnal

Life Fundamentals: Acknowledging pain and loss. Igniting hope and possibility.