Category Archives: Be Gentle

The Other Side of Hope

Hope. Hopelessness. Two sides of the same coin?

I’ve been thinking about hope recently, inspired by a book I just finished reading entitled Lessons For The Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude and Courage at the End of Life by Stan Goldberg. Stan is a cancer survivor and volunteers in a hospice. He brings what he has learned from these experiences into the book.

Here’s an excerpt from his chapter entitled “The Dilemma of Hope.”

Poof! Not only did hope disappear, but as I looked back on who I became during the intervening time between the onset of hope and learning that my dream wasn’t going to be fulfilled, it wasn’t pleasant realizing that I had allowed hope to let the new me slip away. People often contrast hope with hopelessness, as if the former is always positive and the latter always negative. It’s a false dichotomy based on a simplistic understanding of the role of hope. For Joyce [a hospice patient], hope prevented her from living in the present and appreciating the marvelous things she had accomplished. For me, hope transformed the scientist and humanist in me into someone who put all faith on the throw of the dice. Worse, for eighteen months it robbed me of being more genuine with the people I loved.

The absence of hope isn’t a negative state. The disappearance of hope put me squarely into the present…I no longer invest energy in hoping that the cancer will remain under control — I’m too busy living.

Past, present, future. We need all of them. Sometimes looking at the past enables us to reframe it so that we can live in the present. So that those hooks of past experiences don’t weigh us down, rather they inspire us to go forth in our lives. And sometimes those memories from the past bring us great joy in the present as we remember a fun adventure or a now past loved. And yet we can’t live in those past stories, we live here. Now. In the present moment.

Hope takes us, me, to the future. I want hope. I want hope that things can be different. It is part of what inspires me. I help people connect with their own answers in the belief that they can achieve something different for their next moment. That’s hope. Maybe it is even beyond, more, deeper than hope.

At the same time I don’t want hope to take me out of connecting with this moment – of seeing what is in front of me right here, right now. Of being with what is.

I can also feel an edge to hope – the edge that says I want something different and yet I have to consider it might not happen. If I know it will happen, then it is knowing, belief – beyond hope.

I’m reflecting on hope in the context of a good friend of mine who is living with a lot of pain right now. I so hope for him to be pain free. There it is – that edge of hope that says maybe he’ll never be pain free. In the present moment I find myself having to let in his pain and that’s uncomfortable for me. It hurts to see someone I care about in pain. Having hope seems easier. It takes me out of having to fully accept his reality in this moment. It enables me to side step the depth of my own emotions.

So if I don’t have hope, is it hopeless? No. Hopeless feels dark and I don’t feel dark. There is a deeper knowing here that regardless of what tomorrow brings, I’ll be okay. He’ll be okay. It may not be pretty, but it will be okay. It will be what that moment of life brings.

So perhaps the other side of hope, as Stan suggests is presence. And perhaps it is belief, knowing. Surrendering to what is.

Spinach Between My Teeth

Have you ever been to a two hour meeting where you met a bunch of new people, laughed, and shared stores and then upon arriving home from said meeting realized you had spinach between your front teeth the whole time?

Yup. Just had that experience.

First feelings – mortification, embarrassment. Convinced they think I’m an idiot – ah that warm wash of shame that says “I’m not good enough.” My needs for belonging, connection, acceptance, acknowledgment, competence – absolutely not being met in that first instance of seeing dinner’s spinach pizza between my teeth.

Why didn’t anyone say anything?

Yes, truly, why don’t people say anything? I spoke to several new people that evening and no one said anything. It is interesting to consider the “spinach between the teeth” scenario from their perspective. So let me put myself in their shoes by considering what happens to me when I encounter someone who has spinach (or some other visible food item) between their teeth. Here are the some of the voices in my head I can recall from a recent “incident”:

Do I tell them they have spinach between their teeth? I don’t want to interrupt them. Gosh this could feel embarrassing. I don’t want to embarrass them. How do I do this discretely?

What I’m noticing in my body as I type those sentences is my discomfort. Discomfort triggered by thoughts of their discomfort and it is my own discomfort that stops me from saying anything. I don’t want to risk having to be present for their discomfort. How paradoxical! Rather than step in and potentially easily resolve, I hold back, shut down in a way and experience my discomfort rather than theirs.

So I’m imaging all those people who were talking with me were experiencing their own discomfort with my spinach.

What to do?

Step in to whatever is alive for you. I advocate that for both the Spinachee and the Noticer. So in the first instance for Spinach Smile Me I get to once again practice self-connecting and offering some self-empathy. My first reactions were just that, my first reactions – the embarrassment, the shame. Triggered by my lovely needs – the desire to connect, the desire to be perceived as competent. The desire to be noticed – to be seen – not for my spinach but for who I truly am. And isn’t it possible that the conversations I had were worthy, engaging, connecting – with or without spinach!?!

And for the Noticer Me – the one who is staring (or trying not to) at the spinach in someone else’s teeth – I can step into that discomfort too. Sure, it might be a little awkward to point out the spinach. Those are my thoughts of how it might be – it doesn’t actually have to be. Why not try it? I can notice my discomfort, love myself for being concerned about how my words might impact the other and go forth anyway. It could be as simple as:

“I’m just going to quickly mention you have some spinach between your teeth.”

“Oh. Gosh, would hate to get home and discover it in the mirror myself tonight. Grateful you mentioned it. What was I saying about…”

Change of Address

I’m a controller. In other words I like control and I try to control my life. I understand and appreciate that this is not always the best strategy for life. I have over the years tried to let go, be gentle with my need for control.

I get that it is grounded in fear – worries that my needs won’t be met if I’m not in control. And what if I actually do trust somebody and they let me down? If I control it, by doing it myself for example, then I don’t have to worry about that trust or depending on someone thing.

Recently I find I’m asking myself, in a very loving, kind playful voice, “So how’s that control life thing working for you Catherine?” For as much as I try to control the situation (probably more truthfully stated as try to control the people in the situation) life – the Universe – has a way of reminding me I am so not in control.

Here’s my latest example. I have to laugh, because if I don’t, I might cry!

Due to one circumstance or another I found myself moving around quite a bit. Part of it involved a forced move due the condo I was renting being sold. Part of it involved deciding to go to a retreat centre for 5 weeks and book-ending the retreat with a road trip. And I knew once I returned from the trip, I’d be getting yet another new address because returning meant I’d be looking for a new place to live.

“I know,” I thought, “I’ll get one of those mailboxes in place like a UPS store. I’ll pick a convenient location so that way if I move, I can still easily get to it. And if I travel they can mail whatever arrives into the box to me. It will be great to use as my business address anyway. So perfect! Implement that and then no more change of address requests required. Maybe ever!” With this logic I did a little happy dance and have proceeded to move most, if not all, of my mail to the address of my new mailbox. I was proud of myself! I had found a solution – a way to control how things might unfold in the future in my life.

Went to said mailbox today and what did I find? A notice. “What did the notice say?” you might be asking. It was a notice to inform me that the store that is the keeper of my mailbox is MOVING! And could I inform whomever I needed to of my CHANGE OF ADDRESS!!

I re-read the notice hoping it was a joke – that perhaps I had read something incorrectly. Nope. I could get really frustrated with this if I wanted to. I have put in a lot of effort worrying about change of addresses in the last while. I had practiced sound judgement to find a solution! This wasn’t supposed to happen. This didn’t factor in my scenario of life.

In the end I’m laughing, thinking about the Serenity Prayer, asking myself “So how’s the controlling life thing working for you Catherine?”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Perhaps at this point I could simply acknowledge that I don’t know what my life is going to look like a year from now. I don’t even know what it is going to look like tomorrow. I can have some idea, but I can’t know it all. I certainly can’t control it all.

So I might as well accept that I’ll be filing “Change of Address requests” for the rest of my life. When, how, under what circumstances, no idea!

Fear of Success

I’m presently listening to the book entitled The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity: A Simple Guide to Unlimited Abundance by Edwene Gaines. I’ve explored prosperity principles in my own life for a while now and have come to appreciate that having less can feel like more. In this exact moment I make less money than I have in a long time and yet my life feels richer, fuller, and more rewarding than ever. That said, there is still work to be done.

Edwene describes prosperity as:

a healthy body
relationships that work all the time
work that you love
money – all you can spend

Over the past 4 years I’ve put loads of energy into getting healthy, finding work that I love – my purpose – and learning tools for and stretching myself in relationship. My study of vulnerability, Non-Violent Communication, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Improvisational Theatre, Interpersonal Neurobiology – all of these inform the work I do, my relationship with my Self, and how I show up and am in relationship with others. My learning, the journey, will never end yet I can look back over the last four years and acknowledge and celebrate that I am not where I was. I DO FEEL HAPPY and it does not feel phoney to say LIFE IS GOOD!

And yet…

Financially I’m anxious. And when I get to the core of it, I see clearly that it is ME holding ME back. There is a fear of stepping fully into this life I say I want. I get scared when I think of being successful. I feel overwhelmed. What if it doesn’t work out that way I’m envisioning? I’ve been a do it all myself kind of gal and yet I know I can’t do it all myself to realize the dreams I have. I will need to depend on other people. I will need to ask for help. Yikes!

We humans are genius at our own games. We have something called defense mechanisms – ways to stay safe – or so we lead ourselves to believe. So in my fear of success my defense mechanism that comes into play is to keep myself out of the game. If I don’t step into the game, then I can’t lose. I can’t be proven wrong. I can’t feel disappointed. The irony is that I still feel disappointed. I still feel like I am losing – a sense of being unfulfilled.

And this in turn is tied to my belief (or lack there of) in self. Yup, we’re back to shame and vulnerability again. Self-doubt can be crippling. I know. I live it quite regularly. We deserve, I deserve to prosper. I am not a bad person if I am financially successful because really, can I be bad person for sharing my gifts?

So I’m working on my fear of success, or as Edwene suggests, I’m expanding my bliss tolerance. I’m letting those visions of a successful me dance around in my head. I’m regularly saying aloud this quote from Marianne Williamson about letting my light shine.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

And as I review her words, I’m reminded that we are all worthy. That what I want for others, their own peace, happiness, contentment, calls me forth to be my fullest self, to step into the idea of successfully sharing my gifts.

So I start where I often do – with some self-compassion. I acknowledge my fear of success. At the same time, I step into envisioning success and creating feelings of success in my body. And I try stuff. I schedule a meeting to share my ideas. I schedule a workshop. I make an ask for help. And as I do all of these things, I see that I am okay. I see that yes, I can do it. Everyday another step towards a successful, prosperous life and a step towards believing even more fully in self and that which guides me.

Letting Go – pain, struggle, or release and relief?

When is it time to let go?

I’ve been moving into a new place the last few weeks. I chose a place that I felt served me in many ways – love the location and the space itself made me say “I want to live here.” And I knew the space was going to force me to downsize. Not much storage and I was okay with that.

Then came the downsizing.

What if I might some day hold that party for 30 people I’ve been thinking about? I would need those mugs then.

I do wear those shoes sometimes…

And then there’s the books and files that remain from my years as a grad student working on my doctoral dissertation and then as an academic. The collection had already seen one purge several years ago. Much still remained.

I felt heavy – literally and figuratively – as I tried to decide what to do with these items. That is where the pain and struggle came in. The memories – good and bad – of the experiences associated with these items come into my consciousness. Thoughts – oh so many thoughts – came rushing in. Am I throwing away my PhD if I throw away documents and books associated with it? How will I prove that I did the work if I don’t have items from the steps along the way? What if someday I might need this particular piece of information again?

I had lots of advice from friends. “Don’t think about it. Just throw it all away.” Or “You can’t throw that away. That was from your grandmother.” Helpful? Nope.

What in the end worked for me is the following. It took me a while to figure out this was the process that got me the release and relief I was looking for and no, that doesn’t mean I threw everything away. I just found peace with the process.

First I checked in on what the item represented. Maybe there was some grieving I needed to do and in so doing, I would be able release the item. Maybe I wasn’t living the life at 47 I thought I was going to – the parties for 30 co-hosted by me and my spouse weren’t happening. No big parties. No spouse. And yet I could follow-up that up and say unequivocally that life IS good even though it doesn’t look as I had expected. So I acknowledged the loss of the unrealized vision and found gratitude in the now.

Then I asked myself about how I wanted to let go of the item(s). Somehow simply throwing things away didn’t feel right for a variety of reasons. Being able to give them away for reuse, or at least for recycle, felt better. So I created different boxes for items I wanted to offer to friends, to various charities, and to recycle.

And I gave myself some time. Those boxes of books and papers – I had to sit with them for a while as they blocked the ease of movement in my apartment. At first I thought I would send the books to Africa. Yes, that felt right. And then it didn’t. I thought about the environmental impact of shipping. I thought about whether these were really the books they would want. In the end the books and papers went happily to recycle because in that question of grieving and letting go I realized I had the fear that without all those goodies, somehow the PhD wasn’t mine any more. That somehow I was going to be less smart and less capable. When I recognized that story represented a typical shame (less than) response for me, I knew, one of those body knowings, that the stuff needed to go. That I wanted it to go. That I was whole, smart, and capable without those bits and pieces.

I did keep some things. I didn’t need five of the items I had received from my Grandmother. One would do so that every time I opened the cupboard, I could remember her with great affection. And my two friends who bought me the chicken pitcher – well they’ll be happy to know I still have it. It makes me laugh way too much every time I use it, albeit not very often, so I had to keep it. For now!

Getting What You Want

I recently arrived to Esalen – a retreat centre in Big Sur. I’ll be here for 5 weeks on a work-study program. It is a great opportunity to experience being in community and learn by doing. The setting is beautiful coastal California.

In the application process I was asked to indicate my preference for the work I would do during my stay. There were options like kitchen, housekeeping, garden, etc. I like to cook and thought it could be interesting to learn how to cook for larger numbers of people. I’d get new recipes as well. All good. So I had indicated a preference for the kitchen.

I arrived to find out I had been placed with “Cabins”. I was bummed. I felt unacknowledged. I had indicated a preference hadn’t I? Why had it been disregarded? And “cabins”? What the hell was that? I could see myself vacuuming rooms and cleaning toilettes for the next 5 weeks. No thanks!

I could feel the negative vibes creeping in. Time for a check-in. First I had to remind myself that they had never committed to honoring my preference. It was just that – a preference – which implies that other things are possible too. In addition, as a community, we are all contributing to the well-being of each other in anything we do – in any way, time place, we show up. There is no unimportant work here (or anywhere else for that matter).

Then I learned about Cabins. This means things like cleaning the guest rooms, tidying up meeting rooms, laundry, etc. It means you travel back and forth across the property. I heard movement in that. It also involves cleaning the thermal pools here on the grounds. Outside, gorgeous, incredible view pools. So the work also involves both inside and outside work. I was hearing variety and I was loving the idea of being able to do some of my work outside while being surrounded by beauty. Added bonus – I’ve learned how to effectively fold fitted sheets!

So now ironically I’m doing what I didn’t want to do – yes I’m vacuuming and cleaning toilettes – and I’m loving it. I feel blessed – as if I’ve been gifted the best department to work in.

Did I get what I want? On the surface no. I didn’t get “Kitchens”. Digging a little deeper, I came to this place with an intention for movement. For finding more ways to be in nature with my work. For getting out of my comfort zone. I believe I am receiving that in spades in my Cabins assignment. Thank you universe! A reminder for me to trust that sometimes we don’t get exactly what we want or at least sometimes it comes in a package we can’t even imagine.

So I invite you to launch your desires to the universe and add “…this or something better”. Who knows what might show-up. It might be more than you could possibly imagine.

Easy or Hard

I was in the Redwood National Forest Information Center in Crescent City, California recently. I wanted information on possible hikes in the local area. The Ranger recommended a short hike, accessed via a road he recommended traveling as well. I had asked for about 3 hours worth of hikes with a rating of easy to moderate.

He sort of apologized for the shortness of the hike and the ease of driving the road. He then justified – or at least that is how it felt to me – the drive. He said both the drive and the hike had some of the most amazing trees to look at.

Here’s the possibility for exploration – I actually needed him to justify the drive and explain the ease of the hike. In my mind I was thinking “How can it be worth it? What could I see in a 30 minute hike? Driving? That doesn’t seem very nature like.”

It all comes down to my underlying beliefs. There is one that comes up a lot of me and I suspect for many of you too – if it isn’t hard, if it doesn’t take effort, then it can’t be good enough, or it can’t be worth it. Let me say that another way – if I don’t work hard, if it doesn’t take me a lot of effort, then I’m not good enough, I’m not worth it, and whatever I’ve produced or done isn’t good enough.

Hmmm…who says it all has to be hard? As I explore my gifts and what I’m meant to do in this world, I keep coming up against this belief. Here’s the trick about your gifts – they are often the things you do with ease, things you don’t even know you are doing when you do them so readily and easily.

Here’s an example. I’m a good listener. I’ve always been a good listener. I didn’t know I was a good listener. My friends did. They tell me that’s why they always call me when they have something to work through, when they need someone to listen. But I didn’t spend 10 years doing various degrees at university learning how to listen. So how can listening be something of value? I haven’t worked hard to learn how to do it and I have ease around it.

What if accomplishment and value didn’t have to come from “hard”? What if living life, coming from an energy of ease was enough? Was magnificent?

Catherine Hajnal

Life Fundamentals: Acknowledging pain and loss. Igniting hope and possibility.