Category Archives: Be Gentle

What if curiosity is all you need?

Inviting curiosity…

When I’m about to start working with a group that I have never worked with before I’m usually feeling a little anxious. I’m wanting to be there, but my needs for predictability, connection, contribution, they are all flaring up in that moment in part because I don’t know for sure what is coming next.

One of the ways I try and bring some ease in those circumstances is to invite my curiosity.

Who is out there?

What did they have for lunch?

I wonder what their hurts are?

What will I learn from them?

What will I discover about myself through our interaction?

How might I make a difference in someone’s life today?

Being purposeful about being curious shifts my energy from a sensation of constriction to a sensation of openness and possibility.

Friend or foe…

Imagine going into a job interview.

Imagine going on a blind date.

Imagine you are walking on the street and someone is walking towards you yelling loudly in a language you don’t understand.

Imagine you are approaching a customer service rep at the counter after delayed or cancelled flights and there is no clear indication of how you are going to get home.

Imagine you feel guilty about something you could have done, an action you should have taken.

Being curious doesn’t equate with putting yourself in harms way. It doesn’t excuse bad service. It doesn’t deny the reality of difficult circumstances. It can however invite us to see the humanness in others and it invites us to acknowledge the humanness in ourselves.

In unknown, awkward, or difficult circumstances our starting point is often fear or anxiousness. Our amygdala, part of the limbic region in our brain, is playing a constant stream of “Am I safe? Do I belong? Am I safe? Do I belong?” In other words we’re a little on edge and we’re checking each other out to assess friend or foe.

When compassion feels hard…

Am I not just advocating being compassionate? Nope. I appreciate the language of compassion and empathy. On some level I resonate with the statement “All you need is love.” But in my reality, and I suspect it is the same for others, sometimes I can’t jump right into love. I have my own things going on – maybe I’m triggered by the circumstances and/or what someone has said – and so love, compassion, empathy feel hard to connect with in those moments.

What I can direct my energy towards however is curiosity. I don’t have to love you or even like you in that moment. But if I can be curious, it feels like I’m leaving a door open, I’m open to possibilities. If I’m there with curiosity, then I’m listening with a willingness to be changed.

Our human needs for sense and meaning making, for learning and growth – these are the foundations for curiosity. I think curiosity is also interwoven with empathy, but sometimes we can’t jump right into each others experiences from a place of shared resonance. But I can be curious. I can be wondering what is going on for you.

And when I’m in one of my own funks, when things are not going right, or actually might feel terribly wrong, I can be curious about what might be going on for me. Which of my needs are not being met? You have the same options when you’re in a funk, when things are not going right – what might your present experience be asking of you? Which needs of yours are not being met?

And by the way your brain seems to function well under conditions of curiosity as well – at least from the stand point of learning and memory.

So the next time you’re feeling a little on guard or triggered be curious about the person sitting across from you. And if you are being really hard on yourself, be curious about the person in the mirror.

Willing to try being purposeful with your curiosity? Let me know how it goes in the comments below…

What if..we could gracefully give ourselves time as needed in the challenges of life?

what if we could gracefully give ourselves time as needed How long does it take to grieve a loved one who has died?

How long does it take to grieve an ending relationship?

How long does it take to make a career change?

How long does it to take move and settle in to a new city?

How long does it take to have cancer?

Often language implies there is both timing and an ending to these types of challenging life scenarios.

“You’ll be better in no time!”

“Give it a week and you should be back to normal.”

“You’ve been sick/grieving/grumpy/sad for long enough now.” Likely followed by a “Get over it.”

“I imagine you can have a new job and be settled within 6 months.”

Many of our corporate policies incorporate timelines and endings as well.

Three days of bereavement leave.

Two weeks of sick leave.

Six months of extended disability leave.

A month of accommodation benefits as part of a moving allowance.

These messages have us believing we can measure and monitor the events of our lives based on some chronological, prescribed time window.

Your body, mind, and spirit have their own sense of time.

The more work I do facilitating bereavement groups, the more I appreciate that the journey of grief takes as long as it takes. One thing I know for sure – we do not “get over” or “get through” a significant loss in 3 days.

When I think of my Grandmother who died six years ago it is always bitter sweet. Seeing a cookbook on my shelf that reminds me of her – a sweet memory – is often linked with a jolt of sadness – that I can no longer call her. That burst of grief is very real and while I no longer grieve her as I once did, I’m not “over her”, I still grieve from time to time.

And healing from my spinal fusion surgery – depending on how you want to measure it 6 weeks or years. My back pain sparked a period of deep introspection and I began healing my spirit before the actual surgery. My scar healed in a matter of weeks. It took at least a year for the bones to fuse. It took many moons for my body to begin to realize that when I was invited to an event, such as going to see an art exhibit, it didn’t have to go into resistance and protection mode. It wasn’t going to hurt any more, but parts of me weren’t aligned with that yet. How long does rewiring chronic pain take?

What if we could gracefully give ourselves the time needed in the challenges of life?

There are two Greek works for time – chronos and kairos.

“Chronos is clocks, deadlines, watches, calendars, agendas, planners, schedules, beepers. Chronos is time at her worst. Chronos keeps track. …Chronos is the world’s time. Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love, the Sacred. Kairos is intimacy with the Real. Kairos is time at her best. …Kairos is Spirit’s time. We exist in chronos. We long for kairos. That’s our duality. Chronos requires speed so that it won’t be wasted. Kairos requires space so that it might be savored. We do in chronos. In kairos we’re allowed to be … It takes only a moment to cross over from chronos into kairos, but it does take a moment. All that kairos asks is our willingness to stop running long enough to hear the music of the spheres.”

― Sarah Ban Breathnach

While I don’t necessarily agree that chronos is time at her worst – when scheduling an appointment for example, I’m glad there is a way to represent that in quantitative time – I do believe chronos time can be counter productive. Applying a time measurement to many aspects of life can set us up to hold ourselves to a standard that is not real, rather it is arbitrary. It can also feel like trying to live to a moving target.

Tool: How about stepping into life changes, growth, and healing without strict timelines? Rather than a focus on chronos time, how about exploring kairos time? It is not about speed. It is about being human. It is about allowing. It is about alignment. It is about knowing we have arrived, when we have arrived, not by the date on the calendar.

So the next time someone tells you how to heal faster, or says “You should be over it by now,” gently let them know you are gracefully living by kairos time.

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2015. All rights reserved.

Injury versus Illness

Is there a difference in how you hold yourself when you have, say, the flu versus a sprained ankle?

I’ve discovered that I can be far more gentle with myself when I have an illness like the flu. I can give myself permission to be tired, to adjust my eating patterns, to feel a little out of sorts, to put off cleaning.

Sure, I’ll be irritated because things aren’t getting done. I might even notice the dust bunnies more than usual because I feel less energetically able to do anything about them. There however won’t be a voice of “Suck it up and get moving.” I can lie down, read a book, nap, catch up on my Internet viewings, etc. without a sense of guilt or that I’m doing something wrong.

Conversely, I recently sprained my ankle and I notice I’m not giving myself much permission to be anything other than ready and raring to go. You see I don’t see myself as “sick”, therefore part of my belief system has me saying , “I’m okay and able to work so let’s be creative, keep evolving my business, and don’t forget about the vacuuming!” And yet when I try and do those things – like vacuuming (I sure hope my physiotherapist isn’t reading this), or sit at my desk for an afternoon, I’m exhausted and my pain levels shoot up.

In either scenario, whether illness or injury, my body has healing to do.

And maybe therein lies the invitation…

It’s not about getting into inner debates about how sick I am, or how injured I am. Is it a grade 1 or grade 2 sprain? Do I have a high enough fever to warrant not going to the office? Rather it is about hearing my body telling me it needs to heal. Period.

The body knows. It gives signals – low energy or pain or both. We may have shivers, a fever, or a need to walk differently because our foot and ankle don’t move they way they normally do. All of it is our body asking us to go forward gently and hear the call to healing.

And if we’re listening, we’ll “hear” the healing too. The decreasing pain levels. The return of energy. The walking that gets that much less awkward. The sense of more choices. Seeing the sunshine in the day.

So the invitation is to be gentle with yourself, whether you’re ill or injured or both! Listen to your body and what it is asking.

What if your body really is your greatest ally?

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2014

How long does healing take?

A recent ankle sprain has me working hard at speeding up my healing.

I’m told “Four to six weeks – at least – before I can begin to think about doing my regular activities.” Forget about it! One, two weeks tops! The brace? The ice? Don’t really need ’em . I can heal better and faster than any statistic. I’m a good healer!

This experience has given me the opportunity to notice my desire to speed up my healing, to put it on a timeline of my choice. A couple of observations:

Our language around healing implies there is both timing and an ending to our healing.

“You’ll be healthy in no time!”

“You’ve been sick/grieving/grumpy/sad for long enough now.” Likely followed by a “Get over it.”

Our many and varied health practitioners frequently give us timelines.

“Give it a week and you should be back to normal.”

Or they offer solutions that imply I can speed up, or at least control my healing.

If I eat the right thing…

If I do the right exercise…

If I take a pill…

If I get a good night’s sleep…

If I meditate…

If I follow these 3 easy steps, I’ll be better in no time.

Many of our policies incorporate timeline and endings as well.

Three days of bereavement leave. Two weeks of sick leave. Six months of extended disability leave.

These messages have us believing we can speed up our healing, that we can, at the very least, control it and make it happen to a certain prescribed time window.

The more work I do facilitating bereavement groups, the more I appreciate that the journey of grief – also a healing journey of sorts – takes as long as it takes. One thing I know for sure – we do not “get over” or “get through” a significant loss in 3 days. Each individual is different. Each circumstance is different. Each set of losses is different. The accompanying journey and its timing is different.

How long does it take to get over someone? (If we ever actually “get over”….)

How long does it take to make a career change?

How long does the process of cancer, spinal fusion surgery, or depression take?

Here’s where I’ve landed as I’ve explored my push to heal faster…

My ankle is going to take as long as it takes. I believe my actions have the capacity to slow down my healing, but I’m realizing they can’t speed up my healing.

I don’t think we have the power to speed up healing – your body , mind, and spirit have their own timelines . Those timelines could entail minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, or a lifetime!

I do however believe we have the power to enhance our healing.

For example our reflective practices, exercise, living life on purpose, being vulnerable, stepping into rather than away from our emotions – all of these have the potential to encourage and enliven our healing. This is in no way an exhaustive list – you have your own practices and approaches. Those may include medications, doctors, counselors, coaches, intuitive readers, or not. They may include eating certain types of food or not. Whatever your practices, I don’t believe we can control our healing, but I do believe our actions/choices can be in service of it. Perhaps a subtle, but I believe significant distinction.

Your invitation – to step into life changes, growth, and healing without strict timelines. It is not about speed. It is about being human. It is about allowing.

What if we could gracefully give ourselves the time needed for the “stuff” of life?

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2014

Living Your Dash

I can’t remember when I first heard about the poem The Dash by Linda Ellis. What I do know is that every time I read it I renew my desire to live my life on purpose – to continue to do work that feeds my soul, to do one thing a day that scares me (encouraging my evolution), to step into the emotions that feel difficult or uncomfortable, to let the good stuff sink in including expressing gratitude and love, and to see the possibility in whatever is showing up in my life.

Here’s the general gist of the poem. (I encourage you to read it in its entirety here.) On a tombstone there is a beginning date and an end date. In between those two dates is a dash. That tiny dash represents the fullness of your life. The question the poem raises is what do you want to do with your dash?

The intention here is not to instill fear of the end-date (the second date on your tombstone). Stirring up panic and a sense of scarcity of time is not the vibe I personally want to have clouding my dash. The reality however is we generally don’t know when our end-date is coming. We imagine living a long and fruitful life and yet anything could happen.

Here’s the approach I’ve taken. I’ve asked myself what do I want to be doing now so that if I found out I was terminally ill and going to die within a month or two I would have some degree of ease because I had been living my life on purpose, because I had been making choices in awareness of the reality of not knowing when the end will come. I don’t think it is possible to live without regret (the words that come of my mouth some times – yeesh!), yet I do think it is possible to minimize regret through actions like vulnerability, compassion, empathy, and a willingness to ask for re-do’s or acknowledge mistakes.

Do the people you love and who matter the most to you know it through your words and actions?

Is the work you are doing feeling your spirit – does it make your heart sing?

Are you learning from and in the discomfort that life gives?

Are you being gentle with yourself? Do you acknowledge your self-worth?

Are you having fun?

I ask these questions not to invoke shame or a sense of “not enough”, rather they are invitations to reflect on how you are living your dash. You are worthy and enough no matter how you are living your dash. AND you have agency in how you live your dash. I realize sometimes it can feel like you have anything but power and possibility in your life. This is the gentle reminder that there is always choice. That you can bring “creator” energy to your daily life.

Dream like you’ll life forever. Live as if you’ll die tomorrow. ~James Dean

I’ll be speaking on this topic on Sunday February 23rd as part of the service at the Centre For Spiritual Living Vancouver. Please join me if you are interested in reflecting on how you live your dash. [11 AM Creekside Community Centre, Olympic Village, Vancouver]

Doing or Saying One Thing A Day That Scares You

With all the writing in the popular press about the New Year and setting resolutions, intentions, or defining goals I couldn’t help stopping to reflect on how I treat the start of the new year. I do use it a time of reflection – to stop and look back over the past year and to launch a few intentions, dreams and desires for 2014. The reality is I do this type of reflecting regularly. It’s about living my life on purpose. I stop and ask myself what it means for me in this moment to be “on purpose”. The New Year is a spark to step into that reflection.

Because I’m reflecting regularly, the outcome is often to renew or reshape some intention I have expressed before. For example one intention I keep coming back to is Do One Thing a Day That Scares Me. Here’s why…

That intention has inspired me to be vulnerable. To speak my truth. To express my gifts. To let people know they matter to me. In summary – to take risks that come from revealing an inner part of myself. It has indeed been scary. And wonderful!

When I set that intention at the beginning of 2011 part of me had ideas like bungee jumping and other physical activities in mind. I had begun reading the work of Brené Brown on vulnerability and shame and I had been studying Non-Violent Communication for a few years, endeavouring to put it into practice. I came to realize what I had to say and how I reached out for connection – that I reached out for connection period! – were some of the scariest things I could ever do. Do one thing a day that scares me and Say one thing a day that scares me became interchangeable.

It meant noticing when I hesitated to make a phone call to a potential client, reminding myself of my intention, and then going for it even though I was scared. It meant submitting proposals for workshops and risking the rejection. It meant telling the people I love that I love them. It meant having conversations with a friend with cancer when I was anxious about saying the “wrong” thing. In all of these cases it could have been easier, less anxious, indeed less scary to just not do anything.

So why did I do them? Because I had set an intention? Is that what motivated me? I set my intention because I was curious about discovering what holds me back in my life. As I stepped further into that exploration, I discovered that a rather persistent voice was present. It was so persistent is was almost like white noise. I didn’t realize it was always there, the default station playing on my inner radio. And its public service or should I say dis-service message was “I am not enough.”

It is the voice of shame. It is the voice that can have me feeling “less than”. It is the voice that believes I won’t find connection, that I won’t be liked, that I won’t belong because of some aspect of self. Powerfully un-empowering stuff!

And so what did I do with this discovery? In Catherine world I read books on the subject and I take workshops. And I talk to my “digestors” – a small group of people with whom I feel a sense of safety and being held. (More on this group in a future post and why you might want to consider having such a group too.) My curiosity drives my learning and growth. My digestors give me the space to express what is percolating for me in that learning and growth process. They listen. They provide empathy. And when asked, they offer ideas, possibilities, advice, solutions. Through all of that I integrate. I endeavour to be gentle with myself. I move forward.

I’ve learned a great deal about shame and vulnerability in these last few years. Whatever I learn about myself becomes part of the work that I offer to the world. It is why I love being a Life Coach. I get to keep working on me (which even with its trials and tribulations I have a thirst to do) and then share that learning with my clients.

I hope you are seeing the value in stopping to reflect and launching your intentions, dreams, and desires. They can be an amazing catalyst for what comes next in your life. So I invite you to reflect on what it means to be “on purpose” in your own life. And why not consider doing one thing a day that scares you in the coming months? Wonder where it might take you…

To facilitate your journey I have a few offerings coming up that might be of interest:

1) Four consecutive Monday evenings – a program on vulnerability and shame for men through Manology beginning on January 13th, 2014. We look at that voice of “I am not enough” and how to strengthen the voice of “I am enough.” We’ll walk the bridge of shame resilience.

2) A one day workshop entitled “Life is One Big Improv” on March 8, 2014. This will be an interactive workshop that will blend theory with practice. We’ll explore shame and vulnerability concepts and then use a variety activities including improvisational theatre techniques as a way to try that learning on. An opportunity to discover where you hold yourself back – an opportunity to do one thing (or two) that scares you! A day to celebrate being enough.

More details can be found on my Schedule page.

Warmly and purposefully,

Catherine

Life is ONE BIG IMPROV

Think about where you were and what you were doing exactly one year ago. Did you know then what you would be doing right now? Did you know then what life was going to bring your way in the last 12 months?

Maybe you had an inkling. Or you set some intentions so you had a rough idea of what you were hoping you’d be doing and where you’d be on the journey of life right now.

But for the most part, we have no way of predicting with clarity exactly what life will hold. Let me speak for myself anyway – I generally have no idea what I’m going to be doing a year from now. Yes, I have a plan. Yes, I set intentions. And when I launch those intentions out into the Universe I always add “This or something better.” I’m open in my life to those things that are nowhere on my horizon right now. I’ve come to love those things – those people – those possibilities – that I can’t image in this moment.

Let me give you an example. I’d just finished my swim at Kits Beach Pool on Saturday late afternoon and was contemplating leftovers. Checked my phone and there’s an invite to dinner.

Everyday I read something or get a call or email from someone that takes me to an idea, a website, a possibility that wasn’t on the horizon at all before that moment. And here’s the thing, I want to fully step into those moments. I want to say yes to those moments. I wanted to say YES to dinner but….

Sometimes the voices of NO are way louder than the voices of YES. Now sometimes a NO truly is a NO. But sometimes, and for me often times, the NO is accompanied by the voices of

I can’t do that.
Not possible.
I don’t have experience or the skills.
I’m scared.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not ________ enough. Submit your descriptor here!

In other words the NO is accompanied by some form of resistance. Sure that resistance is my friend – its trying to keep me safe – but gall darn it – what if that resistance is starting to hold me back?

In my dinner example, the first voices, when I received the invitation were:

I’m in yoga pants and my hair is wet – I’m not dressed for a dinner.
I don’t have anything with me. I’ll be showing up empty handed.
I don’t know these people that well.
The text came in over an hour ago. They’ve probably already started.

I stepped in guided by the principles of improvisational theatre or “improv”. I expressed some of my fears to my potential host. She said come, just come. So I showed up empty handed with wet hair and yoga pants. Met new people. Had a great time! Life gave me an offer, or a gift as it is often referred to in improv, and I said YES to it.

If you’d like to learn more about the principles of improv and how you can use them purposefully to live more fully in your life – to say YES to the possibilities that come along – come play with me in Douglas Park in Vancouver this August. For four consecutive Thursday evenings I’ll be sharing the principles of improv, we’ll be playing some improv games, we’ll be relating it to life, and we’ll be having FUN! I’ll be teaching a more formal workshop on this in September, and for now, come discover and have fun. Say YES – to one evening or all four! Notice any resistance and come anyway. When you started reading this blog you didn’t know you’d be doing improv in Douglas Park in August…

Details of the August Improv in the Park available here…

No Such Thing As Mistakes

I’m getting the flash of the “X’s” in either red or bold black on the school assignments.

The years in school had a huge focus on right and wrong, on correcting mistakes. In some fields of study there is right and wrong. Two plus two is indeed 4, it is not 5 or any other number. We need to learn that. And yet that horrible feeling – at least for me anyway – that would come when I saw those X’s or the grade that meant I didn’t get full marks. It took me to that place of “not good enough”, that place of shame, and somehow that doesn’t seem best for learning.

I remember in particular an incident in grade 10. The assignment was to read a story and write your feelings about the characters. I did not find one of the characters very sympathetic and wrote this in my assignment. I found myself defending myself in front of the whole class and being told by the teacher that I was “walking on thin ice,” that my opinion was incorrect, that my feelings couldn’t be that. I don’t remember what my feelings were supposed to be, I just remember mine were wrong, to the tune of an F. This was the first F of my life. Life went on and I ultimately passed the class and Grade 10 with flying colours, yet I sure do remember that incident. Even now I’m feeling the tightness and anxiousness in my body as I recall that experience.

Incidents like these have influenced my life. For some, in those moments your voice gets louder. For me, I shrink, feel smaller, and experience that warm wash of shame. These experiences were not empowering – at least they didn’t feel that way in the moment.

Having them as part of my experience in this moment now, in who I am in the present does feel empowering. I can work with them in ways that enables me to feel bigger, stronger, more powerful in my life. One of the ways that I do that is to consciously, purposefully not use the language of mistakes, of right and wrong.

I’m more than willing to acknowledge those circumstances in which I make a choice, learn something after experiencing that choice and then perhaps saying “Wow, I wish I’d chosen differently,” or any sort of wishing for having done, said, or been different. Was I wrong or mistaken with the first choice? I believe not. I practice discernment. I generally don’t take decisions lightly. I am a lawful citizen.

I learn and with that learning I make new choices. That doesn’t make me wrong or mistaken. That makes me a reflective, purposeful learner. I’m happy to be one of those.

So I invite you to think about that voice in yourself that judges you as right/wrong, good/bad. Consider being a little gentler with yourself.

To close, here is one of my favorite quotes from Rumi:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there.

Part 1: Advanced Care Planning

In the work that I do with hospice and as I talk about death in other contexts as well, one of the topics that repeatedly comes up is advance care planning. My awareness has increased around the value of having a plan and a recognition that the pieces I currently have in place, a will and living will, do not feel sufficient for me. So to be in integrity with my own ideals/values, what I say, and how I show up in the world, I’m embarking on a journey with my desired outcome of having completed an Advanced Care Plan. I invite you to come on this journey with me – this is both a process – involving questions, conversations, reflections – and a likely set of documents. In this blog I’ll share my planning process and what resources I use along the way.

So what is Advance Care Planning?

Here are the two main documents I am using as I begin this journey and what they say Advance Care Planning is about.

1) Speak Up: Start the conversation about end-of-life care published by the Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association.

Advance care planning is a process of reflection and communication, a time for you to reflect on your values and wishes, and to let others know your future health and personal care preferences in the event that you become incapable of consenting to or refusing treatment or other care.

Advance care planning means having discussions with family and friends, especially your Substitute Decision Maker – the person who will speak for you when you cannot. It may also include writing down your wishes, and may even involve talking with healthcare providers and financial and legal professionals.

You may never need your advance care plan – but if you do, you’ll be glad that it’s there and that you have had these conversations, to make sure that your voice is heard when you cannot speak for yourself

2) My Voice: Advanced Care Plan published by the BC Ministry of Health as a provincial guide for advance care planning.

Having a voice in decisions about your health care treatments is important. There may come a time when, due to illness or injury, you are incapable of expressing your treatment wishes to health care providers. By planning in advance, you can be sure that your family, friends and/or health care providers know your wishes, and can ensure these wishes are followed.

Here’s why I want to do an advanced care plan:

I believe that talking about death informs how I want to LIVE my life.
I’ve heard many stories of how families struggle to make health-based decisions when a loved one is incapacitated due to illness or injury. I know I can’t alleviate the struggle completely, but I certainly believe I can support my family by having conversations with them now, in the present moment, that will make my desires clear and help to inform their decisions later.
I want to be responsible with how my health care dollars are spent. Unnecessary procedures in the forms of ones I am not wanting to have add to the burden on the health care system.

In the coming months I’ll share what unfolds for me in my advance care planning process in the hopes that helps to inform your process. For now I invite you to get a hold of the documents/workbooks I’ve highlighted above and think about you and your family/friends might benefit from energy you put in to advance care planning.

NOTE: In locating these documents one of the things I’ve learned thus far is that there are a few versions of the My Voice floating out there. From what I can tell the most recent version is Feb 2012. I found it through the CHPCA website. They have links to other planning documents in additional to their Speak Up and the VCH My Voice. Here’s the link to where their planning section starts.

Telling A Different Story

I was reminded recently about the power of reframing. Reframing is when you tell a different story, a re-interpretation of some aspect or event in your life. Mine had to do with clearing out my storage locker. I have been wanting (and sort of not wanting) to make it happen for a few months now. I recently signed the piece of paper that says I’ll have the space clear for June 1. Signing was the way for me to “force” my hand – to create that deadline to move me into action. Here’s the general story I was telling:

I don’t want to deal with clearing out my storage locker. This going to be painful. How am I going to make this happen? This is going to be a hassle putting things online to sell, coordinating with people, meeting them at my storage locker, negotiating (if anybody even wants to buy anything), yeesh! Am I going to have to ask someone to help me? I can’t be in the locker and meeting someone at the entrance to the building at the same time. And what if I can’t get rid of anything? What will I do then? How I will get rid of what remains? It won’t fit in my car. I don’t want to just take it all to landfill. That’s not very considerate of the environment. I’ve got a deadline now. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do a better job at getting rid of this stuff when I made my last move? I’ve been paying rent on this locker for a few months now – that’s money out the window given the low value of everything in it. I love some of that stuff. Part of me is really sad to see it go.

In the world of NVC, most of this would be labelled Jackal voice. The voice that is judgmental, critical, and generally not positive. Sometimes that voice speaks very loudly in my head. It brings me down. It zaps my energy to the point that sometimes I feel unable to muster up the motivation to even start a project. In this instance I was motivated because I’m trying to manage my budget differently right now and there was no way to justify what I was spending on the storage. It just didn’t make sense to hold on to the stuff for economic or sentimental reasons. Yet I was still having a hard time making this project happen.

Sometimes it is about taking one step. Getting a small “win” – trying something that is successful in its outcome. Small steps for me included getting into the storage locker and taking some pictures of things I wanted to sell along with some dimensions. I had a friend offer to help me with this so in the first round of picture taking I was supported. It ended up being another month’s worth of locker rental fees before I actually did something with those pictures, but having them in hand along with the support of a friend was a first step.

Then I started telling more friends about what I was trying to do – clear out my locker. I would tell them about what I had in there with the hopes that maybe a friend or two would take some of the stuff off my hands. That felt like it would be an easier way for it to unfold. Through that process I did pass on a few things. That meant I went to the locker a few times and some items actually came out. Another set of small steps.

With a few small steps under my belt I found some spaciousness over the whole thing. I was still in a grumbly frame of mind about it, but I also began to sense a light at the end of the tunnel. I began to feel like I might be able to make it happen. I knew I still needed a strong kick of something to really make me do it. For me that was signing the paper that said I would be out – and that my payments would be no more!

And then a friend came and took a few more things that created more spaciousness in the locker and in my sense of well-being. Yet another small step. With the literal space in the locker I was able to take more pictures and get the dimensions of some items. It was time to post the items online. Still resistance, but now a looming deadline.

I had tired to sell something on Craigslist a few months ago, and as I think about that, I realize it was one of my very first steps toward clearing out my storage locker. I wasn’t even selling something that was in storage at that time – it was something I had in my apartment – it served to help me see that I could sell something online and that it didn’t have to be too painful. Setting up the ad had been quick and kind of fun.

I took the next bold step of putting up a bunch of ads on Craigslist – descriptions, dimensions, and pictures of my goodies. I even chose to put some of the history – the sentiment – of the pieces in the ads, and I chose to acknowledge the pieces I was sad to see go.

Within about 15 minutes of placing the ads the first call came in. Metal garden ornament – “I’ll take it. Could we meet in about 45 minutes for the handoff?” More emails and phone calls on that one. It was gone already. In one of the phone calls the woman said she too had lived in the prairies (part of the sentiment I had included in my ad) and could see how the ornament would remind me of that. The man who made the first call and was the one who bought it off me was tickled pink to be buying it for his wife who was away. He knew she would enjoy it so it would be a surprise for her when she got home. He was recently retired and still figuring out what to do with his time.

And then the island/storage unit – the piece I was most worried about due to its size. It also had a lot of sentimental value, so was one of hardest for me to let go. A young couple were moving into a new apartment. They had recently finished school and were looking to furnish their new place. I enjoyed them so much I even threw in a carpet was I going to give to a thrift store.

“I sit on the sofa and work on my computer, but the coffee table is too low and it’s hurting my back. I think this desk with wheels will work well.” Off went the small yet functional metal desk.

Can you feel how my energy has shifted? My story started with this very negative voice. I’m currently in the energy of really enjoying this project. Sure, it has had some hassles. What I hadn’t appreciated was the really lovely people I might meet along the way. I haven’t had a lot of emails and phone calls, but I didn’t need to have a lot. Each of the people I spoken with bought something and each of them was delightful to connect with. Hmmmm – why didn’t I start with that story – a story of the possibility of fun, adventure, connection?

Here’s where the self-empathy part fits in. That jackal voice earlier was some fear talking. A lovely part of each of us – that fear voice that is there to keep us each safe. I was walking into uncharted territory. I’ve never had to clear out a storage locker before. Lots of unknown and uncertainty means my needs for control and clarity flare up – unmet in that moment. My need to appear competent – triggered by the voice of “What if I can’t make it work?” – was flaring up too.

I’ve been reminded of some lessons I’ve heard before and I guess I needed to hear and experience again.

The first is to take small steps. It is okay to be tentative, dipping in a big toe – trying something – without having to figure out it all out. This includes being gentle with self – with whatever approach I might need to take and to give myself time. Yes, sometimes things/projects will take longer than I want them to.

Second, when I’m in that negative, jackal voice, here’s a open invitation to try a different story, or at least play with the “What if…” story. What if the project could unfold with ease? What if I could have some fun? What if it could mean I meet some really interesting people? What if I could own being sad to see some of the stuff go and give myself permission to grieve? What if it is a bit scarey and that’s okay too?

I’m amazed at how different my reality has turned out to be from the story I first started with. I’m delighted to report the new story. I’m reminded of the power of story and how noticing my story and inviting a new one has the power to change what might be labelled a negative energy story into something very positive.

And finally I’m reminded of the power of sharing our stories. When we keep things bottled inside, it can often continue to feed our negative cycles. Even if the first story we are telling is a negative one, tell it any way. As I shared my story and began to get support with friends – those were the seeds of shifting my energy and being able to paint a new story.

What stories are you telling right now that aren’t feeling good? How might you be able to tell those stories a little differently? Start small – give yourself some permission to “What if…”. Give yourself permission to have a different story. Give yourself permission to find a story that feels better. Whatever your story, share it with your friends.

P.S. As of June 1, the storage locker is empty and I’m no longer making payments!