Category Archives: Life Fundamentals In Action

How long does healing take?

A recent ankle sprain has me working hard at speeding up my healing.

I’m told “Four to six weeks – at least – before I can begin to think about doing my regular activities.” Forget about it! One, two weeks tops! The brace? The ice? Don’t really need ’em . I can heal better and faster than any statistic. I’m a good healer!

This experience has given me the opportunity to notice my desire to speed up my healing, to put it on a timeline of my choice. A couple of observations:

Our language around healing implies there is both timing and an ending to our healing.

“You’ll be healthy in no time!”

“You’ve been sick/grieving/grumpy/sad for long enough now.” Likely followed by a “Get over it.”

Our many and varied health practitioners frequently give us timelines.

“Give it a week and you should be back to normal.”

Or they offer solutions that imply I can speed up, or at least control my healing.

If I eat the right thing…

If I do the right exercise…

If I take a pill…

If I get a good night’s sleep…

If I meditate…

If I follow these 3 easy steps, I’ll be better in no time.

Many of our policies incorporate timeline and endings as well.

Three days of bereavement leave. Two weeks of sick leave. Six months of extended disability leave.

These messages have us believing we can speed up our healing, that we can, at the very least, control it and make it happen to a certain prescribed time window.

The more work I do facilitating bereavement groups, the more I appreciate that the journey of grief – also a healing journey of sorts – takes as long as it takes. One thing I know for sure – we do not “get over” or “get through” a significant loss in 3 days. Each individual is different. Each circumstance is different. Each set of losses is different. The accompanying journey and its timing is different.

How long does it take to get over someone? (If we ever actually “get over”….)

How long does it take to make a career change?

How long does the process of cancer, spinal fusion surgery, or depression take?

Here’s where I’ve landed as I’ve explored my push to heal faster…

My ankle is going to take as long as it takes. I believe my actions have the capacity to slow down my healing, but I’m realizing they can’t speed up my healing.

I don’t think we have the power to speed up healing – your body , mind, and spirit have their own timelines . Those timelines could entail minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, or a lifetime!

I do however believe we have the power to enhance our healing.

For example our reflective practices, exercise, living life on purpose, being vulnerable, stepping into rather than away from our emotions – all of these have the potential to encourage and enliven our healing. This is in no way an exhaustive list – you have your own practices and approaches. Those may include medications, doctors, counselors, coaches, intuitive readers, or not. They may include eating certain types of food or not. Whatever your practices, I don’t believe we can control our healing, but I do believe our actions/choices can be in service of it. Perhaps a subtle, but I believe significant distinction.

Your invitation – to step into life changes, growth, and healing without strict timelines. It is not about speed. It is about being human. It is about allowing.

What if we could gracefully give ourselves the time needed for the “stuff” of life?

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2014

Acknowledging Your Losses

As part of the course work I was taking to become a certified Life Coach we dipped into art therapy. Each of us in the class was invited to pick up a piece of clay and play with it our hands. We could squish it, pound it, shape it however we wanted. I started squishing the clay around in my right hand having it ooze through my fingers, then my left, and then back to my right.

We were also asked to connect with the clay through as many senses as possible exploring texture, colour, smell, weight, etc. I opened my right hand and first noticed the shape the clay had taken looked a lot like the images of the vertebrae I had seen in the x-rays of my back. The round core and the “jutty out” parts of the facet joints. Then I noticed the weight – how heavy the clay felt in my hands. And the tears began to flow. And flow. And flow.

I literally cried for hours that day because in that briefest of moments the weight of the clay connected me with the weight, with the burden that my back had been for me for over 20 years. I’ve come to be grateful for that pain because it has lead to so many amazing things in my life. In that moment however I needed to acknowledge my sadness associated with the choices I couldn’t make because of my back. I needed to acknowledge the energy my back and pain had consumed. The weight of that clay represented the moments of sweating profusely because of the pain I was in when all I was trying to doing was stand there and teach, the times I had to say “no” to a friend’s invitation because I was too exhausted and in too much pain, the trips I couldn’t take, the high-heels I couldn’t wear, the gardening I couldn’t do, the racket sports I had put aside.

Until that time I had focused on getting healthy and happy. At this point in my life journey I had left academia. I was now living in Vancouver, supported by friends and family to make a new set of choices. I had but two months earlier undergone an 8 hour double level spinal fusion surgery that had been extremely successful. I had connected with and was excited by the idea of becoming a life coach or counsellor so had gone back to school to better appreciate the differences, and to hone my skills so that I could feel confident in my ability to hold a client and their needs safely and professionally. I was told that the fusion would not fully take hold for at least a year, maybe two so it seemed like the right timing to go back to school. So yes I could acknowledge having made progress – amazing progress as a matter of fact though I would never have labelled it that at the time – and yet here I was crying for hours.

I am so grateful to the facilitator in class that day. He brought to my awareness that I had grieving to do. That I needed to acknowledge my losses. Clearly there were many. Yet they were not the kind of losses we typically think about. I hadn’t lost a person or relationship close to me. I wasn’t terminally ill – I had recovered. Yet I understand now my “stiff upper lip”, “solder on” attitudes served me in one way and harmed me in another.

If you’re brave enough to say “goodbye”, life will reward you with a new “hello”. ~ Paul Coehlo

Grieving is a very natural human process. The reality is we experience loss daily and it needs to be grieved. This doesn’t mean you have to grieve for days or months or years even – though sometimes, depending on the loss and your process, that’s exactly what you’ll do. There doesn’t have to be public displays of mourning though sometimes there will be that as well. What I do advocate is that we take time to acknowledge our losses – big and small – because there are no beginnings without an ending. We are effected by losses and rather than pushing those emotions back inside, I’m inviting acknowledging them so that the e-motion (energy in motion) can be released. That energy release can lead to new things. It certainly did for me.

The next day after my clay experience I was exhausted and I absolutely felt lighter. I also felt calmer. I could begin to see all the changes that I had made in a different light – I could begin to celebrate them rather than stay focused on “What is the next thing I need to get done? Keep going. Keep going. Soldier on.”

My own experience with loss has inspired me to study the processes of grief more closely and bring it more deeply into my work. I have seen the value of acknowledging losses and stepping into the associated sadness – the sense of freedom it garnered, the relaxation, the sense of opening and even more possibility.

If sharing my story of losses has struck a cord, I invite you to contact me. I am also offering a workshop on Creative Hurt: Turning Loss into Learning and Growth. (March 1st. More details on my Schedule page.) The invitation is to begin to acknowledge your losses and in so doing discover what catalysts those could be for you moving forward.

Life is ONE BIG IMPROV

Think about where you were and what you were doing exactly one year ago. Did you know then what you would be doing right now? Did you know then what life was going to bring your way in the last 12 months?

Maybe you had an inkling. Or you set some intentions so you had a rough idea of what you were hoping you’d be doing and where you’d be on the journey of life right now.

But for the most part, we have no way of predicting with clarity exactly what life will hold. Let me speak for myself anyway – I generally have no idea what I’m going to be doing a year from now. Yes, I have a plan. Yes, I set intentions. And when I launch those intentions out into the Universe I always add “This or something better.” I’m open in my life to those things that are nowhere on my horizon right now. I’ve come to love those things – those people – those possibilities – that I can’t image in this moment.

Let me give you an example. I’d just finished my swim at Kits Beach Pool on Saturday late afternoon and was contemplating leftovers. Checked my phone and there’s an invite to dinner.

Everyday I read something or get a call or email from someone that takes me to an idea, a website, a possibility that wasn’t on the horizon at all before that moment. And here’s the thing, I want to fully step into those moments. I want to say yes to those moments. I wanted to say YES to dinner but….

Sometimes the voices of NO are way louder than the voices of YES. Now sometimes a NO truly is a NO. But sometimes, and for me often times, the NO is accompanied by the voices of

I can’t do that.
Not possible.
I don’t have experience or the skills.
I’m scared.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not ________ enough. Submit your descriptor here!

In other words the NO is accompanied by some form of resistance. Sure that resistance is my friend – its trying to keep me safe – but gall darn it – what if that resistance is starting to hold me back?

In my dinner example, the first voices, when I received the invitation were:

I’m in yoga pants and my hair is wet – I’m not dressed for a dinner.
I don’t have anything with me. I’ll be showing up empty handed.
I don’t know these people that well.
The text came in over an hour ago. They’ve probably already started.

I stepped in guided by the principles of improvisational theatre or “improv”. I expressed some of my fears to my potential host. She said come, just come. So I showed up empty handed with wet hair and yoga pants. Met new people. Had a great time! Life gave me an offer, or a gift as it is often referred to in improv, and I said YES to it.

If you’d like to learn more about the principles of improv and how you can use them purposefully to live more fully in your life – to say YES to the possibilities that come along – come play with me in Douglas Park in Vancouver this August. For four consecutive Thursday evenings I’ll be sharing the principles of improv, we’ll be playing some improv games, we’ll be relating it to life, and we’ll be having FUN! I’ll be teaching a more formal workshop on this in September, and for now, come discover and have fun. Say YES – to one evening or all four! Notice any resistance and come anyway. When you started reading this blog you didn’t know you’d be doing improv in Douglas Park in August…

Details of the August Improv in the Park available here…

Window Into Death

Have you ever seen a dead body?

Have you thought about about what you would like to have happen with your body once you have died?

Have you shared those thoughts with someone?

Here is a window into all of that as told in the context of a family, Lynch and Sons, and their Funeral Direction services. Through their story we learn about how caring for the dead is just as much about caring for the living.

I personally did not know all of elements that I saw in this video. I’m glad I watched it. It has, interestingly, given me a greater sense of ease imaging that my family members were treated with the same reverence and respect.

I hardly remember my Grandfather’s funeral. I was a young adult, yet the memories are very vague. Curiosity about why I don’t remember.

When my Nagymama (Hungarian Grandmother) died, I did not travel to Hungary for the funeral. I have been to her grave site several times and appreciate being able to connect with her there.

When my Grandmother died, I had just spent 10 days with her knowing she would die soon, but without knowing exactly when. I left, saying goodbye, knowing I would never see her alive again. That goodbye was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. She fell days later and died rapidly after that. Because I just had the ten days with her, I opted not to fly back for her funeral. Having now studied death and grief, I wish I had flown back. I didn’t appreciate then the value in seeing the body and saying goodbye once again.

I say these things not to advocate for burial, cremation, or to say you should have an open casket. I do however now see the value in ritual and the need for mourning. Mourning is grief made public. It is the outward expression of bereavement and our grieving process needs that.

I invite you to watch this video and consider what you would like for yourself when you die. And I invite you to step into conversations with those that matter in your life about what they want. I encourage you to have a ritual – whatever resonates in the context of you and your loved ones.

I have done some thinking in the context of Advanced Care Planning about what I would like. I’ve gone as far as saying I want to be cremated. I realize now I want to consider a few more details as well. Not with the intention of burdening my family, but rather to open space for some ease at a time when there will be enough “hard”.

Some of you who read this might be saying “Is she obsessed with death?” No. I don’t spend every waking minute thinking about what it will be like to die (who knows!) nor do I spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about what I want when I die. I’d like to live a long life – there is much I still want to do – yet I find some peace in this moment knowing I’ve looked through the window into my own death. It helps me live this life. It gives me a sense of being on purpose – of taking responsibility for my living by giving some consideration to my death.

This video was produced in 2007. You will see dead bodies being prepared for either burial or cremation. You will hear the story of parents preparing for the death of their child. Of a niece caring for her aunt in a hospice setting. Of a family that has dedicated its energy to serving the dead and the living. I’ve imbedded the first part of the video below. To see it in its entirety, I encourage you to go to the PBS FRONTLINE Website and watch The Undertaking.

Watch The Undertaking on PBS. See more from FRONTLINE.

Part 1: Advanced Care Planning

In the work that I do with hospice and as I talk about death in other contexts as well, one of the topics that repeatedly comes up is advance care planning. My awareness has increased around the value of having a plan and a recognition that the pieces I currently have in place, a will and living will, do not feel sufficient for me. So to be in integrity with my own ideals/values, what I say, and how I show up in the world, I’m embarking on a journey with my desired outcome of having completed an Advanced Care Plan. I invite you to come on this journey with me – this is both a process – involving questions, conversations, reflections – and a likely set of documents. In this blog I’ll share my planning process and what resources I use along the way.

So what is Advance Care Planning?

Here are the two main documents I am using as I begin this journey and what they say Advance Care Planning is about.

1) Speak Up: Start the conversation about end-of-life care published by the Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association.

Advance care planning is a process of reflection and communication, a time for you to reflect on your values and wishes, and to let others know your future health and personal care preferences in the event that you become incapable of consenting to or refusing treatment or other care.

Advance care planning means having discussions with family and friends, especially your Substitute Decision Maker – the person who will speak for you when you cannot. It may also include writing down your wishes, and may even involve talking with healthcare providers and financial and legal professionals.

You may never need your advance care plan – but if you do, you’ll be glad that it’s there and that you have had these conversations, to make sure that your voice is heard when you cannot speak for yourself

2) My Voice: Advanced Care Plan published by the BC Ministry of Health as a provincial guide for advance care planning.

Having a voice in decisions about your health care treatments is important. There may come a time when, due to illness or injury, you are incapable of expressing your treatment wishes to health care providers. By planning in advance, you can be sure that your family, friends and/or health care providers know your wishes, and can ensure these wishes are followed.

Here’s why I want to do an advanced care plan:

I believe that talking about death informs how I want to LIVE my life.
I’ve heard many stories of how families struggle to make health-based decisions when a loved one is incapacitated due to illness or injury. I know I can’t alleviate the struggle completely, but I certainly believe I can support my family by having conversations with them now, in the present moment, that will make my desires clear and help to inform their decisions later.
I want to be responsible with how my health care dollars are spent. Unnecessary procedures in the forms of ones I am not wanting to have add to the burden on the health care system.

In the coming months I’ll share what unfolds for me in my advance care planning process in the hopes that helps to inform your process. For now I invite you to get a hold of the documents/workbooks I’ve highlighted above and think about you and your family/friends might benefit from energy you put in to advance care planning.

NOTE: In locating these documents one of the things I’ve learned thus far is that there are a few versions of the My Voice floating out there. From what I can tell the most recent version is Feb 2012. I found it through the CHPCA website. They have links to other planning documents in additional to their Speak Up and the VCH My Voice. Here’s the link to where their planning section starts.