Author Archives: admin

Being Responsible

I’m a nurturer, caregiver type person. It is who I am. It is how I show up in the world. I care about people. I care how they are feeling – physically, emotionally, spiritually. This a good set of qualities to have – it is part of my purpose in life. It is part of why I do the work I do. All good.

And yet like every aspect of ourselves – of myself – sometimes it doesn’t serve me. I’ve found that any facet of me is a double edged sword. This is not a critique, it just is. So right now I have a friend in my life for who I’m concerned about their health. In my nurturing, caring mode it becomes really easy for me to take on their stuff. To feel responsible for their sense of well-being.

This ties into my deep seeded need for control as well. I’m anxious about my friend. I want to fix the situation. I want to make it better. But I can’t. I can’t because the choices toward healing are not mine to make. They belong to my friend. My friend’s health is not my responsibility though in my discomfort it feels like I would find ease if I take it on.

So what is mine to take on? What I do have responsibility for are my own emotions, my own behavior – how I show up in the situation. What I can do is share how I’m feeling – that I’m concerned about my friend’s well being. What I can do is express my willingness to support and help in ways that my friend wants. I could do research into options for example. I could be a sounding board for whatever decisions my friend might need to make. And if my friend wants, I could just be quiet. Hard for me to do, and as a consequence, a great place for me to grow into should my friend ask that of me. I get to be responsible for that growth.

What sense of responsibility are you taking on out of feelings of anxiousness or uncertainly that doesn’t actually belong to you? Is there some situation you have injected yourself into because by doing so, it gives you a sense of control? Being responsible means taking care of you, owning your emotions, it doesn’t mean fixing somebody else. Being responsible means I acknowledge I’m anxious, wanting to help, and wishing the circumstances could be different.

Vulnerability x 2

I’m a follower of NVC – Non-Violent Communication. Part of “following” NVC is my own practice and it is tapping into the network of folks who are committed to NVC in their own lives/work. One of the things/people I follow in that context is Miki Kashtan’s blog – Recently she posted about types of Vulnerability. Here’s an excerpt:

That was the point when the bigger surprise came. After listening to me, my friend, who’s known me for years, brought to my attention a third way in which interacting with me can be challenging. I hadn’t remembered that I often make it quite challenging for people to give me love and care unless it comes in “just so” forms which only few people ever find. While I have known this, and know where this protection originated in my childhood, I hadn’t until that day related it to my path of vulnerability. Suddenly, I saw the paradox: how could it be that after almost 16 years of being on that path it was still difficult for me to receive care in other forms than the precise ones that my organism favors? That’s when I understood that my path of vulnerability has been on my terms: I come out, by my volition, and “undefend” myself. I express myself and willingly accept consequences. This is only one side of vulnerability. I’ve not yet even begun exploring what cultivating receptive rather than volitional vulnerability would look like. I’ve had a couple of small experiences that have given me pointers to what this could be. One such experience showed me that this kind of vulnerability is about letting go of a certain kind of holding, allowing the world to “catch” me, and taking the risk that I might “fall” and there would be nothing to land on. A far greater risk to this organism than ridicule or lack of acceptance. It’s about stepping, once again and beyond infancy, into the experience of being at the mercy of others. It’s about a form of deep surrender I’ve only experienced fleetingly. Just as much as I wanted to reclaim my vulnerability when I started my path, I can almost feel the yearning to find my place, to rest in the grand scheme of things, to be part of, not so separate, not so alone.

Vulnerability is one of theme’s in my own life – indeed is a “category” for my blog! But I had not thought about the two dimensions to vulnerability that Miki mentions – receptive and volitional vulnerability. And I have talked in the past about wanting to be a better receiver – that by deflecting/pushing away/making light of – what others want to give to me, I am taking away their opportunity to be a giver. I want to be both a good giver and receiver. So when I read Miki’s blog post, I was stuck once again by the significance of receiving and by this new idea that receiving is another face of vulnerability.

As with most aspects of life, any opportunity for reframing is usually an opportunity for learning and integrating. It is helpful for me to think of receiving as an aspect of my vulnerability. So there is comfort in knowing that as I work on my vulnerability I might also be enhancing my capacity to receive.

The invitation now is to direct some of my attention to receptive vulnerability – to finding some spaciousness around what I let in – surrendering to what might come my way that doesn’t arrive in a “package” I’m used to. When I launch a rocket of desire – something/someone/some idea that I’m wanting to manifest in my life I often add “this or something better, something that serves my higher good.” Feeling like even more can come into my purview now as I practice receptive vulnerability.

How are you at giving with vulnerability and receiving with vulnerability?

Take It Personally

Here’s the scenario:

I’ve sent emails out to two different friends who are important in my life and have not had a response from either of them. For one friend the norm is to hear back the very day I send the email. It is now three days later. For the other friend, I’ve been sending emails for a few months now with no response and phone calls haven’t lead me anywhere either.

My first response, or perhaps better said, reaction, is to assume I have done something wrong. What did I say or do that has resulted in them not wanting to talk to/connect with me? This is my default shame reaction where I take things personally and I ground them in my sense of a “less-than” self.

I’m a little older and wiser now with all the work I have done on myself these least few years so I can at least see going to that shame place. I usually can’t stop myself from going there, yet now that I see myself going there I have options. With awareness comes choice.

I remind myself that yes, I may have been a trigger for that person in some way, but I get to give their reaction back to them. I get to be responsible for my own feelings and they get to be responsible for theirs. So in actuality I do get to take it personally, just my own personal, I get to look at what is coming up for me.

That “own personal” attention is for me a form of self-empathy. I get to acknowledge my feelings and explore what is behind them – my needs. Just as valid as my whatever may be transpiring for my friends. I have a direct line into me.

So what is coming up for me? I’m sad these friends have not replied back. And I’m concerned about them on two fronts. One, maybe something is unfolding for them that has absolutely nothing to do with our exchanges. Can I help?

Second, if I have said something to trigger either of them, I would like to know what that is. Perhaps there is a way I can reframe something. Perhaps I’ve been misunderstood. And perhaps it is just going to be a tigger – I might have said something that sounded just like one of their parents and depending on their history, they were transported back there for a while. It can be a bit scarey and vulnerable to step into finding out, but I’m willing to go there. Here, while I’m part of the exchange, I’m not coming from the place of having done something wrong.

What’s behind all of this is are MY needs for connection, belonging, clarity, consideration, and love. And those are beautiful needs. I don’t have to think of myself as “less than” for having those needs. In the past I’ve done an immediate translation to equate anxiousness with the shame response. Now I can see that the anxiousness means some of my needs are not being met. I’m whole, I’m just wanting connection.

So the next time you feel to take something personally, believing that you are somehow at fault, less than, for something, I invite you take it personally – your own personal – and look behind the circumstances. Which of your needs are calling forth?

Don’t Ask For What You Want – You Might Be Disappointed!

Had a big “a-ha” recently when I connected my struggle of asking for what I want with an effort to avoid being/feeling disappointed.

Here was my logic:

If I ask for what I want I might not get it. So to avoid that possible disappointment I won’t ask for what I want. I then can’t get a no.

Hmmm….

Here’s a recent example. I am wanting to connect with a friend over Skype. The exchange happens via e-mail.

Friend: What time would be good?

Me: I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow.

I don’t hear back from the friend until the next morning. I haven’t asked to hear back about a specific time. I haven’t asked about their availability. And here’s what I really wanted – I desperately wanted the friend to call that very night after 9 pm when I got back home. I’m sure you were able to read that into my part of the request weren’t you? My timing was clear wasn’t it? The intensity of wanting to connect – I put that out there too didn’t I? And so what did I do? I rushed home from a lovely event – remember I’m hoping my friend will call me after 9 pm – and sit around, albeit keeping myself occupied with things I am needing to get done – and every few minutes checking Skype to see if my friend is online.

Here’s the irony – in my attempt to avoid disappointment, I feel it anyway. My friend is nowhere to be found on Skype that evening so I am disappointed we don’t connected AND I get to feel disappointed in myself too. Double whammy.

There is a voice in my head right now saying “Pathetic!”. That is my self critical judging voice – the Jackal voice in the world of NVC. It is a voice of shame as I judge myself for being weak with expressing what I really want. The Jackal voice is also the gift of a guide post to step into language that is more life affirming – giraffe language – beginning with some self-empathy. I personally need a little help getting into the self-empathy space and I often get there by doing some self-reflection, a little logic to digest the situation perhaps.

So a little self-reflection. I’ve noticed what I will do is make my request in very general terms. The lack of specificity is another part of the defenses to avoid being disappointed. I’m sort of expressing what I want – I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow. – I just ask for it so generally I’m kind of expecting the recipient to be a mind reader. In my mind I’m also justifying the approach by telling myself I’m giving consideration to what the other person’s needs might be. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it just becomes another part of the defense/avoidance mechanism if I put their needs far and away above any specificity of need on my part.

And now some self-empathy. It can be hard to hear a No. It can be awful to think of wanting to connect with a friend and then think you might not be able to connect with that person. The wanting to connect with a friend is a beautiful want. We – I – so have that innate need for connection and belonging. And it is a beautiful thing to want to be considerate of my friend’s needs and to acknowledge the reality they might not be able to meet my initial request.

In NVC we talk about redos – when a conversation doesn’t unfold quite the way you had hoped/expected know that for the most part you can create redo possibilities – a chance to have the conversation again with different energy. Asking for a redo can be another request you can practice making. In this instance, without knowing it, my friend gave me a redo. It wasn’t going to be exactly the same request as time had passed, yet I could now apply my a-ha insights.

Friend: So, recommend a time that works for you.

Me: It has been rough start this morning. Not exactly sure why – a collection of “life” stuff to be sure. Could really use a hug today. So would early afternoon work – say 1 PM? I’m conscious of all that you might need to be get done today so there is a part of me that says “I can’t take a chunk of time out of the middle of your day.” and yet you’ve asked me for a time, so I’m just going to say 1 PM and see where we get to…

Friend: I will shoot for that but can’t guarantee. Just heading off now. Will try to make that happen. Will text with level of success.

We ended up not being able to Skype at 1 pm. I did get a connection though. We were able to talk on the phone at 1 pm. Sure, it didn’t quite unfold the way I had hoped/requested – we weren’t able to Skype – so on some level I received a No – yet on another level my request was answered – I was able to connect with my friend.

There is power in acknowledging the fear – the fear of disappointment, of getting the No – and going forward with my requests anyway. Because when I do that, I don’t have to be disappointed in myself. I can feel good about having expressed my needs, about making my now more specific or direct request, about being open to having the requests fulfilled in different or creative ways, and in being considerate of what might be unfolding for the person I am making the request of. And with the willingness to be present to the disappointment, it doesn’t have the same hook either. I can feel the “I’ll be okay.” deep down inside.

Shame on ME

I’ve been reading a great deal about shame recently – books by each of Brené Brown and John Bradshaw for example. I also recently attended a workshop by Sarah Peyton on the purpose of shame and the power of empathy with some Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) in the mix to bring it all together. Through this learning and self-reflection I’ve discovered how strong a hold shame has had on me.

My default place to go when something feels amiss is to believe I am somehow at fault, somehow less than, somehow not worthy. Notice that it is always about me. Never about the circumstances, or something or someone external to myself. I make me the problem. And not even a behaviour, something I’ve done for example, but rather me, the whole me, the essence of me.

The invitation to me now is to speak my shame – to be vulnerable – to seek empathy from others, and to offer it to my Self. In the words of Bradshaw I am “externalizing” my shame. Brown would consider me to be building and exercising my shame resilience. In either instance the goal is not to rid oneself of shame (impossible by the way), rather I like to think of it as loosening the hook shame has into my sense of Self.

Shame unto itself is a very human experience and that’s why on some level it is a good thing that in part serves to keep us safe and humble and why we can’t be rid of it. (Unless you’ve figured out a way to be something other than human!) Yet when “less than” becomes a defining part of our identity – my identity – then it is time to regroup! At least that’s where I am at. I can see now that shame holds me back in my life and I’d like to be able to play bigger. With awareness comes choice!

Let’s see what choices I can make going forward. I’ll share my shame and some new choices here in my blog.

Boogie Oogie Oogie

I like to dance. It is not Swing, Tango, Two-step, Waltz, or any structured dance. It is pure and simple movement that my body chooses to make in that moment. (In other words, watch out, I have no idea what’s going to come out of my body. And yes, sometimes I make myself laugh!)

I love music that makes me want to dance – the kind when you hear it you immediately connect to the beat and your foot or hips or shoulders or all three! can’t help but start bopping.

This dancing extends to my car. I’m the car in front of you that, while waiting at the stop light, is bopping and shifting around because the driver is making these “weird” movements. I call it car-dancing and I love it.

And then there are those times when I’m in a bit of funk and I know it and I don’t want to stay there. Especially when I know the reality that my life is good. So I acknowledge feeling funky (a little self-compassion) and I invite myself to shift my energy (a little self-coaching.) In that moment, if circumstances permit, I’ll put on one of those tunes that can’t help but get me groovin’ and I’ll boogie around for the duration of the song.

I always feel differently after the dance. I may not have gone from funky to blissful, but I sure will have shifted to a more positive vibration.

Here’s one of those songs, that for me at least, get’s me bopping. Take a look at the lyrics too. (Video and lyrics below.) I read them as a call to boogie in my own life, to really show up fully until I just can’t boogie no more! My gratitude to a “Taste of Honey” for bringing this song to life for me to enjoy. Give it a listen and notice what happens for you.

A Taste of Honey: Boogie Oogie Oogie

Songwriters: Janice Marie Johnson, Perry Kibble

If you’re thinkin’ you’re too cool to boogie

Boy, oh boy, have I got news for you
Everybody here tonight must boogie
Let me tell you are no exception to the rule

So get on up on the floor
‘Cause were gonna boogie oogie oogie
Till you just can’t boogie no more
Ah, boogie, boogie no more
You can’t boogie no more
Ah, boogie, boogie no more
Listen to the music

There’s no time to waste let’s get the show on the road
Listen to the music and let your body flow
The sooner we break down the longer we got to groove
Listen to the music and let your body move

Get down boogie oogie oogie
Get down boogie oogie oogie
Get down boogie oogie oogie
Get down boogie oogie oogie

al-ONE-ness

Autonomous and interconnected. Can we have both? Can we be both?

I grapple with these seemingly paradoxical or contradictory needs on an on-going basis. Sometimes I just want to be alONE. To be ONE with just me. Other times I’m feeling so alONE, what I crave is ONEness, togetherness, interconnectedness, shared reality with friends or even strangers. In those moments I am needing to know there is more than just me, that there is a we.

And while this may sound like a big philosophical question, I can tell you that it plays out for me on a regular basis in the everyday of life circumstances.

I attend a spiritual community most Sundays. There are two things I particularly appreciate about going there. The sense of community and the spaciousness and acceptance I feel from within me and by the community to acknowledge my own spiritual journey. While we are there in community, to listen and contemplate together, each of us is invited as individuals to decide for ourselves what we are hearing means to us in our everyday lives.

And sometimes I like the quietness of just me in my car, bopping to tunes, enjoying the me-ness. Other times I delight in having a gaggle of friends in the car as we drive off to some adventure.

I love playing with paradox. For those of you who read my blog with any regularity, you will see that it is a theme that comes up over and over and over again. In my view life is full of paradox and what an invitation it is to be fully alive and present. My logical brain has a hard time wrapping my head around being both alone and one, interconnected. When I am able to acknowledge the paradox and see it as a flow of energy, a dance in which these two elements of myself are in motion, sharing the lead, passing it from one to the other, doing different types of dancing – in those moments I get a warm fuzzy feeling accompanied by a deep calmness in my body, that sense of inner knowing that it is not about figuring it out, it is just about being in the dance.

Letting Go – pain, struggle, or release and relief?

When is it time to let go?

I’ve been moving into a new place the last few weeks. I chose a place that I felt served me in many ways – love the location and the space itself made me say “I want to live here.” And I knew the space was going to force me to downsize. Not much storage and I was okay with that.

Then came the downsizing.

What if I might some day hold that party for 30 people I’ve been thinking about? I would need those mugs then.

I do wear those shoes sometimes…

And then there’s the books and files that remain from my years as a grad student working on my doctoral dissertation and then as an academic. The collection had already seen one purge several years ago. Much still remained.

I felt heavy – literally and figuratively – as I tried to decide what to do with these items. That is where the pain and struggle came in. The memories – good and bad – of the experiences associated with these items come into my consciousness. Thoughts – oh so many thoughts – came rushing in. Am I throwing away my PhD if I throw away documents and books associated with it? How will I prove that I did the work if I don’t have items from the steps along the way? What if someday I might need this particular piece of information again?

I had lots of advice from friends. “Don’t think about it. Just throw it all away.” Or “You can’t throw that away. That was from your grandmother.” Helpful? Nope.

What in the end worked for me is the following. It took me a while to figure out this was the process that got me the release and relief I was looking for and no, that doesn’t mean I threw everything away. I just found peace with the process.

First I checked in on what the item represented. Maybe there was some grieving I needed to do and in so doing, I would be able release the item. Maybe I wasn’t living the life at 47 I thought I was going to – the parties for 30 co-hosted by me and my spouse weren’t happening. No big parties. No spouse. And yet I could follow-up that up and say unequivocally that life IS good even though it doesn’t look as I had expected. So I acknowledged the loss of the unrealized vision and found gratitude in the now.

Then I asked myself about how I wanted to let go of the item(s). Somehow simply throwing things away didn’t feel right for a variety of reasons. Being able to give them away for reuse, or at least for recycle, felt better. So I created different boxes for items I wanted to offer to friends, to various charities, and to recycle.

And I gave myself some time. Those boxes of books and papers – I had to sit with them for a while as they blocked the ease of movement in my apartment. At first I thought I would send the books to Africa. Yes, that felt right. And then it didn’t. I thought about the environmental impact of shipping. I thought about whether these were really the books they would want. In the end the books and papers went happily to recycle because in that question of grieving and letting go I realized I had the fear that without all those goodies, somehow the PhD wasn’t mine any more. That somehow I was going to be less smart and less capable. When I recognized that story represented a typical shame (less than) response for me, I knew, one of those body knowings, that the stuff needed to go. That I wanted it to go. That I was whole, smart, and capable without those bits and pieces.

I did keep some things. I didn’t need five of the items I had received from my Grandmother. One would do so that every time I opened the cupboard, I could remember her with great affection. And my two friends who bought me the chicken pitcher – well they’ll be happy to know I still have it. It makes me laugh way too much every time I use it, albeit not very often, so I had to keep it. For now!

Wherever I Go There I Am

Sunshine. Dolphins frolicking in the bay. Hummingbirds buzzing by. Monarch butterflies taking a rest on their journey. Purposeful community. Connection. Healthy food in abundance. Thermal baths. Hidden nooks and crannies. A warm comfortable bed at night.

Sounds pretty amazing doesn’t it? Magical I’d say.

And yet…

…in that same beautiful place I am triggered. I have moments of fear as I speak my truth. I feel the shields coming up as I receive positive feedback or when I let someone no. If I let the connection and love in, when I fully show up, will I lose what I am so seeking? Do I keep myself alone in order to avoid finding myself alone?

I’m hanging at Esalen for five weeks doing a work study program exploring Non-Violent Communication (NVC) within the larger context of purposeful community. Learning something one day, applying it in community the next. It is a magical place. It is a full life place. It reminds me that wherever I go, there I am. Whatever personal development work I need to do comes with me, even to paradise.

Here’s the thing – I’m delighting in that. In NVC we talk about Universal Needs. Those needs are foundational to my existence as a human being. It doesn’t matter where I am, I have needs for connection, for belonging, for expansion, to be seen and heard, for meaning, for safety, for consideration. If I can explore those needs here, I have the opportunity to explore them anywhere because here’s the thing, once I engage in my life, I can do that anywhere. Wherever I go, there I am. I can engage in my life here, there and everywhere.

Wherever you go, there you are.* What parts of you are calling for some attention no matter what circumstances you are in? Know that whatever work you do to connect with and heal/integrate those parts of yourself gets to come with you wherever you go. When you do self-work, you are forever the beneficiary of your efforts.

*My gratitude to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s body of work for introducing me to this concept.

Getting What You Want

I recently arrived to Esalen – a retreat centre in Big Sur. I’ll be here for 5 weeks on a work-study program. It is a great opportunity to experience being in community and learn by doing. The setting is beautiful coastal California.

In the application process I was asked to indicate my preference for the work I would do during my stay. There were options like kitchen, housekeeping, garden, etc. I like to cook and thought it could be interesting to learn how to cook for larger numbers of people. I’d get new recipes as well. All good. So I had indicated a preference for the kitchen.

I arrived to find out I had been placed with “Cabins”. I was bummed. I felt unacknowledged. I had indicated a preference hadn’t I? Why had it been disregarded? And “cabins”? What the hell was that? I could see myself vacuuming rooms and cleaning toilettes for the next 5 weeks. No thanks!

I could feel the negative vibes creeping in. Time for a check-in. First I had to remind myself that they had never committed to honoring my preference. It was just that – a preference – which implies that other things are possible too. In addition, as a community, we are all contributing to the well-being of each other in anything we do – in any way, time place, we show up. There is no unimportant work here (or anywhere else for that matter).

Then I learned about Cabins. This means things like cleaning the guest rooms, tidying up meeting rooms, laundry, etc. It means you travel back and forth across the property. I heard movement in that. It also involves cleaning the thermal pools here on the grounds. Outside, gorgeous, incredible view pools. So the work also involves both inside and outside work. I was hearing variety and I was loving the idea of being able to do some of my work outside while being surrounded by beauty. Added bonus – I’ve learned how to effectively fold fitted sheets!

So now ironically I’m doing what I didn’t want to do – yes I’m vacuuming and cleaning toilettes – and I’m loving it. I feel blessed – as if I’ve been gifted the best department to work in.

Did I get what I want? On the surface no. I didn’t get “Kitchens”. Digging a little deeper, I came to this place with an intention for movement. For finding more ways to be in nature with my work. For getting out of my comfort zone. I believe I am receiving that in spades in my Cabins assignment. Thank you universe! A reminder for me to trust that sometimes we don’t get exactly what we want or at least sometimes it comes in a package we can’t even imagine.

So I invite you to launch your desires to the universe and add “…this or something better”. Who knows what might show-up. It might be more than you could possibly imagine.

Catherine Hajnal

Life Fundamentals: Acknowledging pain and loss. Igniting hope and possibility.