I’m presently listening to the book entitled The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity:  A Simple Guide to Unlimited Abundance by  Edwene Gaines.  I’ve explored prosperity principles in my own life for a while now and have come to appreciate that having less can feel like more.  In this exact moment I make less money than I have in a long time and yet my life feels richer, fuller, and more rewarding than ever.  That said, there is still work to be done.

Edwene describes prosperity as:

• a healthy body
• relationships that work all the time
• work that you love
• money – all you can spend

Over the past 4 years I’ve put loads of energy into getting healthy, finding work that I love – my purpose – and learning tools for and stretching myself in relationship.  My study of vulnerability, Non-Violent Communication, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Improvisational Theatre, Interpersonal Neurobiology – all of these inform the work I do, my relationship with my Self, and how I show up and am in relationship with others.  My learning, the journey, will never end yet I can look back over the last four years and acknowledge and celebrate that I am not where I was.  I DO FEEL HAPPY and it does not feel phoney to say LIFE IS GOOD!

And yet…

Financially I’m anxious. And when I get to the core of it, I see clearly that it is ME holding ME back.  There is a fear of stepping fully into this life I say I want. I get scared when I think of being successful.  I feel overwhelmed.  What if it doesn’t work out that way I’m envisioning?  I’ve been a do it all myself kind of gal and yet I know I can’t do it all myself to realize the dreams I have.  I will need to depend on other people.  I will need to ask for help.  Yikes!

We humans are genius at our own games.  We have something called defense mechanisms – ways to stay safe – or so we lead ourselves to believe.  So  in my fear of success my defense mechanism that comes into play is to keep myself out of the game.  If I don’t step into the game, then I can’t lose.  I can’t be proven wrong.  I can’t feel disappointed.  The irony is that I still feel disappointed.  I still feel like I am losing – a sense of being unfulfilled.

And this in turn is tied to my belief (or lack there of) in self.  Yup, we’re back to shame and vulnerability again.  Self-doubt can be crippling.  I know.  I live it quite regularly.  We deserve, I deserve to prosper.  I am not a bad person if I am financially successful because really, can I be bad person for sharing my gifts?

So I’m working on my fear of success, or as Edwene suggests, I’m expanding my bliss tolerance.  I’m letting those visions of a successful me dance around in my head.  I’m regularly saying aloud this quote from Marianne Williamson about letting my light shine.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

And as I review her words, I’m reminded that we are all worthy.  That what I want for others, their own peace, happiness, contentment, calls me forth to be my fullest self, to step into the idea of successfully sharing my gifts.

So I start where I often do – with some self-compassion.  I acknowledge my fear of success.  At the same time, I step into envisioning success and creating feelings of success in my body.  And I try stuff.  I schedule a meeting to share my ideas.  I schedule a workshop.  I make an ask for help.  And as I do all of these things, I see that I am okay.  I see that yes, I can do it.  Everyday another step towards a successful, prosperous life and a step towards believing even more fully in self and that which guides me.